Thursday, August 23, 2018

A thought about cricket..

... Which, I realise now, has to be the ultimate game in delayed gratification.
You wait and wait and stare into space and occasionally field a ball that happens to roll into your space, all for the momentary gratification of being asked to bat or bowl.
Amazingly enough, kids tap into the joy of this quite quickly, far quicker than adults who try their hand at cricket for the first time.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Gratitude

Things that make me feel that someone out there is looking out for me:

To be honest, these past 6 months have been probably the most impactful in my life- both positive and negative.

Again, in the spirit of moving on, let's not dwell on deaths, but I really have so much gratitude for the multiple other things that have happened:

a) My maternal family- without my uncles and aunts from my mom's side, I would have never been in a state of mind to think about my device, get a provisional patent for it, or apply for and win a grant for it. In the past 2-3 months, I've gotten into the habit of looking to them for advice. It feels awfully heart-warming to know that social support exists... especially because, in the decade I spent in the US, I used to feel quite lonely.

b) My paternal aunts- for looking out for me in multiple ways.

The male monal
c) For the glimpse of the musk deer and Monal pheasants in the Himalayas- both extremely rare, the former near extinct. The fact that we saw them is incredible...

Himalayan male musk deer















d) For the black sheep dog who helped me on the trek to the Himalayas- he came suddenly, and walked by me, lay down next to me as I panted and gasped for breath and went away once he saw I was fine again. Wasn't the dog that walked with the Pandavas on their trek on Swargarohini also a black dog? The one that was left with Yudhishthira when everyone else fell by the wayside?

e) For the twist of fate that led to us carrying the temple flag from Chopta village to Tungnath to give to the priests there so they could fly it over the temple... what an unexpected privilege!

f) For the opportunity to share our temple prasadam with some of the other pilgrims on the mountain.

g) For the immense world of opportunities that have opened up for me in terms of professional growth. I have been hesitant about figuring out how to use these opportunities. But writing this post has helped me realize how privileged I am. I really must not waste these chances, or other people's time.

h) For the man, the kids, and the extended family and friends.

Truly, I am blessed. They say "Sa vidya ya vimuktate" That is knowledge, which liberates.
Well, on this independence day, I think the time has come for me to get a bit more liberated in my mind and go forth without being bound by my preconceptions of what is and is not possible.

Moving on

Three and a half months... and five months.... and many unpublished blog posts on grief and many more hours staring at a white screen thinking I ought to write something but never knowing what. I think it's time to make an attempt to write about something other than grieving... which, I never realized till now, is truly extremely personal. The process is long and complicated and apparently, never stops, just changes in nature. It becomes a little embarrassing after a point of time to even admit that you are still grieving and therefore not in a mood to adhere to deadlines or communicate with your group or anything that people around you expect you to do.

RK's cousin came over a few weeks ago, after the death of her father in law, and said, my husband hasn't gone to work since his (extremely aged) father passed away. He sits there, reading old messages and seeing old pictures and crying and I am so fed up of it.
Yeah... that's the other thing about grieving- people expect you to pull up your pants and move on after a point of time.

And even worse, they expect you to be grateful for deaths that happened in a particular way. At least neither of your parents suffered,  they say, whereas my husband/father/mother/whoever really struggled so much.

Yes well... sorry? To be honest, I don't know that my parents didn't suffer. The non-suffering, quick part of their deaths is the narrative that I created, encouraged and disseminated. Deaths force you to choose narratives, which you then have to stick to because what the heck else are you going to do?

The hardest thing for me these days is a long-enduring feeling of being cheated from grieving for my father. What these past few months have taught me is that my grieving process apparently doesn't begin right after deaths, but that things hit me only after a few weeks. Now, what upsets me is that I can't think of Appa without thinking of mom. They are inseparable in death as they were not in life. I was perfectly happy communicating certain things to my mom which I definitely wouldn't have shared with my dad, but which would have reached him indirectly. Similarly, my dad and I had a code- certain things we wouldn't trouble my mom with.
Now, dammit, I can't separate out the two. It's like inviting your friend for a cozy chat and then realizing that she/he is going to bring a plus one.

Ok... this post was not supposed to be about deaths or grieving. Let me move on.

There are multiple things on the horizon that I wish I didn't have to think about: taxes, utility bills, juggling the child care issue with work issues, setting up a new lab at Rjrngr, life insurance policies (which is too close to death certificates, so let's quickly move on), and whatever. Who cares

Let me focus on taxes, because god, it's two weeks to the (extended) deadline and I am still unprepared. Just realized that the policies we took last year for the kids are under my name but RK is the one who will be filing his taxes, which means we can't claim those section 80 benefits. Gaaah! Why the hell didn't I realize this last year? Why didn't anybody tell me? Why can't there be joint tax filing??
Also, I have to file and pay my dad's taxes and I really really wish he were here to help me out on all this shit.

Ok...deep breath.

Actually the biggest thing on my head is this Africa thing. Which is all very good for career and all that, but I haven't taken the bull by the horns yet because I'm scared- who will take care of the kids, will they come with me to Nairobi, how will all this traveling affect them (or maybe it won't? Maybe they will grow up to be true global citizens comfortable in any part of the world?)? What will the school say? How will I manage the Bangalore, Chennai and Nairobi labs? How will I get them all through accreditation without fucking things up completely? And there's the BIG grant and the device and all the stuff needed for that- the design team, paying them, getting additional funding through for that, meeting the right people to get it done.

I need to break this down into bite-sized chunks otherwise I am going to get drowned in all the clutter.

Actually, I need to delegate... I've been sitting in my cocoon of trashy romance novels and lethargy for too long. I have to get a grip, make some decisions, and communicate with the right people and get my thoughts in order.