Sick

Every time I come across another little child molested in Bangalore schools, my stomach turns. I have a visceral fear of this, which mother does not? Fear, disgust, horror: these are common reactions to these stories whomever I speak to, wherever I bring this up. But when I ask other moms, what do you do when you hear something as unspeakable as this crime, I don't get any answers that satisfy me.

What should a person do when confronted with what seems to be an epidemic of sexual abuse of babies and children? What can we, as parents, as citizens, as sane humans do?
The answers I get vary from "I pray" to "My kids' school is very good. I know they will be safe there".
I cannot be content with these passive methods.We cannot keep on praying that someone else will tidy up things for us, pass laws that are stringent against these offenders (by the way, what are the punishments for these men? Why do they do the things they do? Are they sexually frustrated? Do they have some psychiatric issues? Are they under some kind of fucked-up, weird peer pressure to prove their masculinity? ). Or maybe I should stop saying "We cannot sit here doing nothing, hoping that things will improve", because from my experience, that is EXACTLY what most moms that I have spoken to want to do.

So let me rephrase that to I cannot sit here doing nothing. I need to feel that I have at least raised my voice. The very thought of sitting quiet, hoping someone else will fix the problem, hoping that my kids don't get harmed, hoping that the school they eventually join has taken the necessary steps to protect the kids, makes me sick, sick sick.Silence is acquiescence and I do not want to be silent.

Just starting a Facebook page will be useless. It has to be with an aim and some objectives in mind. So I've been keeping my fear at bay, by thinking about how to think through something like this. How does one start a movement? How does one bring about change? There are lessons to be learned here from any politician, movements like Arab spring, or even last year's parent protests that forced the police to make some infinitesimal rules, such as CCTV in schools.

Anger management

Why is it SO difficult to manage anger? Just when I think I'm doing a great job controlling the anger flare-ups with the kids, I go and blow up at the husband.
It's like a volcano that needs to erupt somehow, or a water pipe that has to burst. You close up one hole and another opens up.
This tells me that I have not succeeded in truly calming myself, but have just suppressed my emotions. And this lid on the boiling pot of anger is as ineffectual in controlling the flow of anger as a finger plugging a hole in a sea wall (yes, Hans Brinkner, I'm looking at you)
So that begs the question, why is this volcano there in the first place? Why is it so easy to feed it?

Some things that increase anger:
a) Hunger
b) Multi-tasking while hungry
c) Reading a novel obsessively.
d) Not taking the time to have a general plan

My recent flare-ups have been caused by all four, but especially by (c) and (d). I've been reading "The Hidden Blade" and its sequel "My Beautiful Enemy" by Sherry Thomas and found them so fantastic that I have been reading them nearly continuously for more than a week now. So there's very little space in my mind for anything more serious. Which irritates the man no end and in turn, makes me really upset.

On-going attempts to control anger involve:
a) A few minutes of meditation. I really need to make more time for this.
b) A few minutes of planning every day.
c) Writing. It's amazing how much writing about this process is helping me. So I need to continue logging my thoughts and progress (or regress) and learning from them.

A new phase in life

A red-whiskered bulbul. We spotted one in J.P.Nagar, Bangalore. Image: picked off the web; copyright details on pic

Exactly a month since we left the US.

Time has flown swiftly by. We have been making inroads into re-embedding ourselves into Indian society (starting with applications for PAN card, Aadhar card etc) and getting the process started to open RK's clinic.

When I think back on this month, and indeed, this past year, all I can think is how lucky we are to have received this opportunity to do something different. How alive one feels to be undertaking something massive and totally new! "Life-changing" is an understatement to describe the events of the past year. Things may or may not work out. But thank goodness we got the chance to try. The lessons we learn will stay with us and mold us for the rest of our lives.

Our biggest objective right now is to get things rolling on RK's clinic. We have identified a space, started negotiations etc. But things move slowly, and it is likely that the clinic space won't be ready for a few more months. In the meantime, RK will start practice at a nearby hospital. My stuff related to the lab and childbirth education is also proceeding slowly but surely. It is largely reliant on RK's clinic to be functional, at least initially.

There are two or three things that I am proud of myself for, some attitudinal aspects. Usually, I tend to take a backseat most times especially in the professional sense: RK has always had a very clear idea of what he wants to do and spends most of his time thinking and talking about it. I automatically and happily fall into the role of listener, but never spend as much time (or indeed any time) figuring out what I want to do. So anytime anybody (usually RK) asks me what are my plans for myself, I flounder, because honestly, I have not given it any thought. My answers are usually half-baked and get shot down before they have time to draw a breath.

This time, it's been different. Since my role right now is as Chief Supporter, I get a front-seat view of the process of starting a business. But very soon, I started seeing it as an internship for myself. What better way to learn about business than by being intimately involved with starting one, without the actual responsibility of having everything depend entirely on one? RK's cousin D is an entrepreneur and a fantastic mentor, willing to share his experiences and answer multiple naive questions without losing patience. So in this self-created internship, I am learning to strategize, market, pay close attention to details and start thinking two steps ahead.

My attitude could have been one of tolerance and martyrdom- an easily foreseeable scene would have been of the long suffering wife supporting the wayward and flighty husband. Instead, because I see this path as something that will directly affect me and the decisions I make towards my diagnostic lab, suddenly, my attitude is one of active learning. Kind of selfish, no? That my attitude improves only when I see direct benefit to myself? But then, aren't we all?
What this also shows is the ownership I've taken with the lab. I could have pouted and held back saying that this isn't my idea and my dream. But at last, I seem have grown a bit more mature in realizing that I need to grasp my opportunities now, instead of focusing on trivialities.

The other attitude change that I am proud of, although it still feels elusive at times: holding on to a modicum of calmness in the face of sudden and scary events.
a) I turned my ankle and ripped a bunch of tendons on the eve of our departure from the US. The flight back to India was long and painful. I am extremely proud of my behavior during and after the flight: calm, cheerful and determined to get home, no matter what. I maintained my cool, I didn't lose my head and managed to keep the kids cheerful and calm throughout the 25-hour journey, despite not being able to walk without wanting to scream in pain.  I did this by constantly making sure that I had the resources to cope, by eating and snacking frequently, keeping hydrated, and most importantly, being extremely conscious of my inner self. By taking the time to respond, I would stop most of my knee-jerk nasty statements to kids and would take a deep breath if needed. By calming myself down, I calmed everybody around me. This is a brilliant life lesson I learned and need to practice some more.
b) My two-year old burned her hand in a freak accident. I was proud of the way I handled it, without giving in to fear. I broke down and cried afterwards, when I was explaining to RK what happened. But at that time, I held strong.
c) My 89 year old grandma fell very sick a couple of days ago, with diarrhea and massive weakness. I took care of her for a while (only about an hour or so, but still) and didn't lose my head when things got very bad.

These are my little triumphs. Sorry for boring you, reader. But these are the things that I need to remember, so that I know that I can be a better person. Someone more controlled and calm than I am usually.