I've never been able to meditate. All the stuff about letting go, concentrating on your breathing, imagining a dark pool into which you dive: have tried multiple times before, but meditation is like exercise: the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And like every exercise I have ever tried, I haven't kept it up.
I recently flipped through some pages of a book called A Million Thoughts by Om Swami. What I liked was a section where he says, first learn to sit still, without moving a muscle- not even to swallow your own saliva when it pools at the back of your throat.
I thought this would be a good way to start. It sounded less like meditation and more like an exercise in willpower- which I do love to challenge. Om Swami had also described the way in which to sit- upright posture, with back rest initially, hands not on the laps, but in the center, maybe one on top of another, mouth slightly relaxed, tongue resting against the edges of the teeth, with a slight smile on the face.
So, a couple of days ago, I sat on the floor of the study room, after the house emptied of kids and husband. And I tried stillness.
It was remarkably difficult. Every possible part of my skin that could itch itched. My neck, back, legs and hands found muscles that suddenly needed stretching, the hair in my nose tickled, and just when I thought I had controlled them somewhat, my body decided that I needed to cough and sneeze at the same time.
I gave myself three conscious movements- three swallows. But I tried to still everything else. Regardless of how frustrating it was to sit absolutely still without a single movement, it was still exhilarating. I didn't time myself that time, but it felt like a really long time!
Today, I tried it again. I gave myself 3 sessions of 5 minutes each and with a firm resolve not to have any conscious movements, including swallowing. The first 5 minutes dragged on forever. I started by concentrating on my breaths- in and out, in and out. My hands twitched a bit, and I realized I had moved them only after they already moved. Just as I was about to leap up in frustration and check that the timer was still on, the timer went off and I sighed in relief.
The second set of 5 minutes: I realized that just the act of observing my breath changed it- I was becoming breathless, my lungs felt quite stressed and my hands started twitching even without my conscious action. Thinking back, there was some feeling of anxiety that arose every time I focused on my breathing. I wonder why. During this session, I had decided not to use a backrest, just to see if I could do. And by the time 5 minutes had passed, I was leaning a bit in front without having realized that I had moved at some point of time.
The third set of 5 minutes got over before I even realized it. And I think I was slightly better at a) not concentrating on my breathing b) dropping thoughts before I could dwell on them too much c) Stopping my movements before they started.
Looking forward to doing this some more...
