Phew.... I am grateful to have come out on the other side of October 23 with my inner peace shaken, stirred, altered but ultimately intact. If my inner peace were a tangible thing, it would be a different color and perhaps texture, but the weight and shape of it might be the same. Perhaps it is a bit smaller than it was, but I think it is more precious in its current form.
When I am many, many years older, I will look back on this past month and know that this was the month that challenged me the most in my perceptions of myself, my place in my family, my relationship to God, my understanding of dharma and what I can hold as mine and what I cannot.
I also know I will forever feel proud of myself, for having handled the things I handled with grace, courage and honesty. This month forced me to think through things most people never have to face or question. And I floundered, stumbled, cried and crawled my way into a new understanding and a new peace.
The succeeding months may come with their own challenges and their own heartaches. But I think I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. And for the first time in a month, I am curious about these challenges rather than terrified.
When next I am faced with a bolt out of the blue, may I remember this feeling of peace, joy, gratitude and curiosity and not mire myself in recrimination, anger and resentment. May I embrace my fears and my vulnerabilities and not try to shove them away, no matter how frightening they may be.
A few things that have helped me immensely are the following:
a) Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart
b) Brene Brown's TED talk on Vulnerability
c) Chaturvedi Bhadrinath's exposition of the Mahabharatha
d) H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald
e) My conversations with my friends Jhun and Shiv
f) Khalil Gibran's writings
g) Writing, writing and more writing- the only way I am able to understand myself.
I need to thank the man for forcing me to confront my biases, implicit expectations, unspoken and swept-under-the-blanket feelings and assumptions, and to approach my relationships with him and the kids with intentionality, meaning and purpose.
