Because I can't help myself

Ok, I know, there's nothing more annoying than someone who complains about how difficult their life is. So I promise never to do so again.
But God, I need to vent and don't have any other avenues.

Being a working mom is hard and lonely.

How is one person supposed to get great work done while at the same time ensuring that kids are optimally growing, household is optimally running, long-term life planning is happening at the right times, and that familial bonds are kept strong and kids are getting the kind of training in extracurricular activities that will hopefully make them into well-rounded adults at some point of time?

It's exhausting.

And it's no use saying that these things are a partnership. Sure, some things are, but which man ever takes a day-to-day interest in his kids? Which dad ever gets told, your kids are looking thin/ fat/ short/dark? Which dad ever gets called for parent-teacher meetings when the kid hasn't submitted homework/ project/ craft/ other bloody shit on time? Which man is ever expected to attend engagements/ death ceremony meals/ wedding lunches/ pre-wedding lunchs/ mehendis/ sangeet/ post-wedding lunches and help out with the cleaning afterwards? Which married man ever says, oh crap, we are running out of oil/soap/toothpaste/ whatever else and proactively goes and buys them instead of telling his wife to handle it?

And in the meantime, one is supposed to have the right attitude to everything- to learning, to growing, to managing, to leading. One cannot just say, oh for fuck's sake, screw this shit or let's get on with it and get this shit done.
No, one is supposed to have a humble, happy and accepting attitude and grow from things one doesn't know or do well or... well, something.

When things get really really difficult (and honestly,  I know dozens of other people who have it way, way harder than I do, but I'm a human who likes to whine, so shoot me), I think of a rubber band- the more you stretch it, the more it accommodates.
I am already doing a lot more today than I was doing some months ago and way more than I was doing some years ago.
No doubt, some months from now, I'll look back on this time and know that I have it easy now.

If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be to increase my patience and my positive interactions with the kids. So many times, they ask me to come play with them. And I snap back and yell. Soon they will stop asking me and I would have missed something precious.

Again though, would I really? Is my assumption that I'll miss something precious based on nothing other Cat's in the Cradle kind of thinking? Would the kids even know or care or appreciate that I would have worked hard to make time for them?

Ok, my rant is done. Let's get back to "count your blessings, not your problems" mentality. *Sigh*

Hunger

I think I'm becoming a bit of a food snob. These past few weeks, I crave for some kind of food... actually, I've been dreaming on and off of mom's food, but let's not go down that path wherein lie heartbreak and depression. I've been craving, and I've been terribly dissatisfied with my own or our housekeeper, Shanti's cooking. But what to make or eat instead?
In desperation, I tried Swiggy, tried eating out at various places and tried out different recipes, but no.  It all leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, an utter ennui. There's something more that I crave. Do I dream of mom's food because I crave something different, or do I crave mom's food and hence I dream of it?
I don't know.
But I do know that going to the usual joints and eating the usual barbeque/ paneer nonsense/ chinese idiocy etc no longer cut it.
I'll tell you what did come close: we went to a new restaurant called Shakesbiere. It's so new that even their website's not fully up yet. And what I liked were the surprises. Yes, of course, food was good. You expect places like this to have good food. But what I love even more is the surprise element. The ambience was great, the food had interesting names and the presentation was fun.

Move over, kadai paneer in a pot and yucky paneer butter masala. I'm so sick of you.

Toast and Tonic is another such place. You order a coffee and you get an experience. Who would have thought coffee could be presented in such an unusual manner? And most of the fun is in seeing that coffee rather than actually drinking it.
Even tomato soup used to be served in such a spectacular way and would taste absolutely heavenly... I mean, it probably is still being served the same way. I just haven't been there in a while.

So what I think is I'm becoming a bit master chef-y or like Anton Ego, from Ratatouille. I want to clap my hands and say, "Surprise me!" instead of ordering. I want to be in the moment and savor every molecule of the food instead of just hogging things down and trying to satisfy some elusive hunger. And I want that molecule of food to be worth my complete attention.

Is that so much to ask?

Oven issues

I got myself a Morphy Richards electric oven here in India after years of gas oven in the US.

I feel like the oven and I are speaking totally different languages. There's a guy in lab who looks at me like that when I talk... he gets this slightly shifty-eyed look, slight panic and nods to everything I say. And I know, just totally know, that he hasn't understood a word. Poor guy- he's good with the wet lab work and he's a genuinely nice guy. I just need to speak slower... or in a different language. We haven't had too many issues though, because we both have multiple translators, all of whom who understand that neither of us really "gets" the other and spend long periods of time helping us figure the other out.

I wish I had such multiple translators with my oven. Just when I gave up on it entirely last year, it magically made me the most amazing chocolate lava cake (I wasn't actually trying to make lava cake, just plain chocolate sheet cake, but hey). Then when I actually tried to make lava cake, I ended up with a dung-like lump instead.

The thing with it is, it's small. And it has two heating rods on top and two heating rods on the bottom. There are also controls to tell the oven which rods to turn on. This took me a while to realize (maybe this is obvious to others), but you can't actually just turn on all 4 rods for every baking project. Different baking utensils, different baking items require you to either turn on just the top, or just the bottom or switch from bottom to top halfway through the bake or vice versa. Different projects also require you to turn the vessel halfway through the bake to let the front go to the back and so on.

Baking has gone from me just plonking something in the oven and getting something reasonably good-tasting out, to me having to focus and visualize every step... it's as intricate as any molecular biology experiment. It requires reaching the same Zen-like state of "I've done the absolute best I can. The rest is out of my hands"... karmaNi eVa aDhikarasyE, ma phalEshu kadachana, as Krishna would say. Who would have thought baking would be a such a sure shot way to appreciate the Gita?

Anyway, Durga and I baked sponge cake today. I was watching it like a hawk, turning the knob to switch from top heater to bottom heater, barking orders to Durga and so on. Finally, it looked good, it smelled good so I pulled it out and stuck a knife in it, which came out clean. Hurray, we said and set it on the rack to cool.
But just then, I saw liquid goo ooze out of a hole. Gah! It only got done on one side properly (had forgotten to turn the vessel). So this time, turned the undone side towards the back, fiddled with the knobs again and turned the oven back on.
Two minutes later, more goo oozed out. Oh! Maybe this is for the good- the goo must be expanding inside and coming out, I think.
Fiddle with knobs some more and start getting the smell of burning cake.
Aaarrgh!
Popped it all out and let it rest. I'll cut the done bits and throw out the undone stuff where ever it is hiding.

I Googled "I hate my oven" and came across this. Is it weird that every single one commenting there is a guy?