Another year, another poster presentation and another disappointment at not having won anything.
I understand that this department can't give me a prize because I don't technically belong to it. But I really don't understand why they force me to participate, raise my hopes and then dash them to the ground every year.
Fine. Keep your stupid money, people.
Projects that will always get awarded: vaccine work/ work on therapeutic drugs, even though each of them may be more cytotoxic than not (and they will be awarded despite the fact there's data on the poster showing that they are cytotoxic). Basic research on vaccines and therapeutics is a) repetitive and b) totally random in the case of drugs- you pick a drug from a million screens, and you hope it will work. Vaccine design, at least, has some elegance to it.
Projects that will always be second best: work on host restriction factors. Host restriction factors, in my mind, are so beautiful. They build such a lovely story of the evolving immune system, of the ever-present combat between microbes and the immune cells, of adaptability of systems and of nature, as a whole. Of course, I am biased.
Projects that judges will always shy away from: mine :(
Thus, I wallow in self pity.
My project is on something people discovered 24 years ago, have figured out a lot of things about, but cannot figure out exactly what it is. After 24 years of ifs, buts and maybes, nobody wants to touch the stuff any more.
Hey. Writing this up has suddenly given me some insight into myself: maybe the reason I've been so wary of doing basic science in the future is because of my PhD project. If I were to pick a project in the future, I would not pick one that is so nebulous, so prone to variation between humans, between systems and between cells. Because when something is that wishy washy, you stop believing in it.
Somehow, I have to finish up this PhD. Then, I need to do something that will give me some results within a reasonable period of time and with reasonable amounts of energy. Something that works beautifully and consistently. Because this project is slowly draining me out of all my optimism and love for science and research. Because I know that it is time to call it quits, wrap it up, dust my hands and say, "Enough".
1 comment:
I guess all of us at a point feel so no matter which field you are in. Thats why I was so confused of doing a PhD. But at the same time I still struggle with trying to beat the system and the illogical bureaucracy you have to go through for no good reason. Those are the days I am most frustrated. When I talk to people I realise how easily one can stop trying to fight by giving up. I too find myself slipping often but luckily so far I have had a jerk which reminds me to fight.
My advice go hard at it and get it done. You can move into something that is less laborious and a little more rewarding.
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