Battling Imposter Syndrome

 The good news is- I finally recognise the signs of it. 

The better news is- I'm able to regulate how to respond to it (not with fear and tears and shutting down). I know I am in control of how to respond, and cannot and should not feel helpless or powerless. 

The bad news- I still feel it!

Arrrggh

At the U.Cph workshop today,  I was hit with a few doses of the good old IS. 

I'm not part of a large organization like my fellow invitees from India.  Large organizations invariably come with pedigree, funds, students, impact and stability.  I have to fight the feeling of being unable to compete with them at any level.  

One of the more senior Indian professors made a statement like,  "well, you should keep more updated on what is happening with the current trends in your own country, instead of talking about some old information.. India is moving fast a lot" in a very cutting sort of voice... this was about the fact that a particular program on field epidemiology training had expanded it's scope from human public health professionals to include veterinary epidemiologists,  food safety officers,  and forestry department officials.  I did not know this and had made a comment on how the Danish system of using food safety as a link between human and animal departments both made perfectly intuitive sense and was novel.  

My first instinct after hearing this was to shrivel a bit inside...I have heard such statements many, many times from many, many people throughout my life. Usually it happens when I'm being very proactive and engaged,  asking questions etc and it invariably shuts me up..I become extremely self- conscious and wonder if I've been blathering too much and become very subdued.  

Today,  I realized that shriveling was about to begin and I aggressively stopped it.  I have no reason to get subdued,  I have every right to speak up and honestly,  who on the world knows everything? And maybe he didn't even mean it in an oppressive sort of way- maybe it was just me,  assuming things. 

Later, he made comments about a dengue program that they were doing,  which was very similar to what I am, and seems a hundred times better.  

My psyche needs a bit of a shaking up... I am here to learn and to grow. These are opportunites. People have recognised my value and have invited me.  My husband has started using my company's name as his home institute for all the amazing work that he is doing, and he's definitely not the nepotism- types and is very very careful about what he formally associates himself with.  I too have an organization and it's something that I have built with my own sweat and tears.  So, why should I discount that?

With all these going for me,  what in the world am I so scared about? Where is the imposter syndrome coming from? 

I will end this entry here with a stern reminder to myself that I'm not here to win students, accolades or money.  I'm here to deeply engage and pursue everything that catches my fairly broad and inquisitive interest.  I'm grateful that I'm here and that I'm unburdened by so many obstacles that others face and am privileged to have been given this opportunity- not just this  workshop, but even to just come to a different country and hang out by myself.