Lazy Saturday

 Sometimes, it is nice, fuzzy and essential to forget about the never-ending to-do list of life, sit in a comfortable chair lit by the morning sun, watch insects fly around lazily and let one's mind wander.

This week has been busy with household related duties. My in-laws are here inviting people for my BIL's upcoming wedding. Naturally, this means that I cannot buy cereal and then tell the kids to take care of their own breakfast but that I have to cook, clean, do laundry and keep the house kind of clean. This takes a lot of effort and planning and I am rather amazed at myself for having done this reasonably well. But I am also really tired and ready to go back to my slothful ways. Too much efficiency and productivity are not good for one's mental health.

I decided to expand my thinking and brain this month and read about stuff that might normally makes me uncomfortable. As part of this, I am reading a book on polyamory:

As anyone who knows me can attest: I am the Undisputed Devourer of heteronormal romance novels.
I started reading LGBTQ romance when one of my favorite authors, Courtney Milan, wrote a MM romance novella in an anthology called Hamilton's Battalion and I adored it- it was outright the best story in the entire book. And after that, I discovered many other writers whom I enjoy reading and who write about MM or FF romance: KJ Charles, Cat Sebastien, Alexis Hall and more. One of the best books I read last year was "A Rake of His Own" by AJ Lancaster (the protagonist is a gardener).  Also, nowadays, even in regular, non-romance SciFi/Fantasy books, homosexuality or bisexuality has become very normalized and so one reads it, accepts it and moves on to the rest of the story- it hardly warrants more than a mention. 

But the one basic aspect that all these have in common is that they all have one couple- one human (or near-human, depending on what genre you read) having  an emotional and intimate connection with another single, sole, one human.  I did not realize just how completely I believe in and how strongly my entire foundation of life rested on the one person-loves-and-marries-one-other-person dogma until I came across this book called "More than Two". More than Two talks about the possibility of one person loving many people who may love many other people. Honestly, the first paragraph of the first chapter made me deeply uncomfortable: the authors describe how a guy works, goes home to his wife, who has her boyfriend who lives with them, and how the guy and the boyfriend hang out and are friendly and once in a while the boyfriend brings home his other girlfriend and they are all friends. 

And more stories like this.

I am just like, what?? How does this even work? Do these guys actually get anything productive done in their lives or do they just keep on working on all their emotional and communication issues?  WHY would anyone want to complicate their lives this much? Just the dynamics of this makes me terribly goggle-eyed and almost anxious.... having two people get along together and reach a state of relative contentment and happiness is hard enough... now you want to add a few more? Jeez.

I have progressed to about mid-book now and the more I read it, the more I realize that the principles given in the book are actually quite universal: communication, acceptance of one's emotions, identification of fear, realizing one's triggers. And it is making me reflect and question and think. 

So my realization about myself: I may state, that as a biologist, I think that monogamy is an unnatural state- it makes no sense. Our own ancestors, the primates, do not engage in monogamy. Neither do most species in the world, even those that are considered to be monogamous (like Sarus cranes, for example).

But as a human living in our current society, I am so deeply attached to the idea of monogamy or serial mono-amory that I was finding myself utterly discomforted by the book. So, perhaps I am a bit of a hypocrite... , but maybe there is hope in me since I am sticking with the book, despite all this discomfort, and am realizing there is more in common with my version of hetero-monogamy than I had previously realized.

Also realizing that maybe I am a naturally monogamous person who does not feel the need for multiple loves. And  this does go against my biologist brain. But a good part of me is quite relieved to realize that this is also ok. And that some people may feel the need for multiple loves and emotional connections and that is....hmm... that is also ok. It may not be me, but it doesn't mean that it is wrong. And presumably such people thrive on complicating their lives and maybe it just feels complicated to me, but not to them. 

My New Year's resolution to read books that make me question myself and grow is clearly working well... almost too well, one might say.

I think after this, I might pick up a book on caste, another topic that discomforts me greatly.

But before that, I quickly downloaded Ali Hazelwood's Check and Mate, a standard boy-girl romance which is funny and sexy and it's like drinking a large glass of cool water on a hot day. So refreshingly straightforward and predictable. Phew. 

Birding in Germany

It's been about 2-3 weeks since my return from Frankfurt. Professional work aside, it was a really good nature-immersion experience. Two sites comprised the bulk of this immersion: the Palmengarten in Frankfurt (Palm Gardens) and a small part of the Black Forest where I hiked in Baden-baden.

Weirdly enough, my urban birdwatching experience in Palmengarten was many times richer than the one in the Schwartzwald. There was a stretch in the Palmengarten, tucked away at the very border between the gardens and a small public road, while walking from the children's playground to the tropical greenhouse, which yielded the richest density of urban birds I have had the fortune to experience. 

It reminded me, in some ways, of the tree outside a hotel room in Gangtok (the hotel was called Mt. Himalayan and the room overlooked a farm). Early in the morning, around 7am, that tree was inundated with hundreds of birds- warblers, redstarts, tits- it was a breathtaking sight and utterly overwhelming. The number of birds was so high and they were so active that it was impossible to focus on any one of them long enough to identify. 

My experience in Palmengarten at one point was like that- the sheer diversity, number, activity and unfamiliarity made it near impossible to do much more than to take down brief descriptions and hope to God that they were sufficient to identify them afterwards. This was also the first time I felt the need for more technology in my birdwatching: I desperately wished for:
A) a voice recorder to take down descriptions because I couldn't move my eyes away from the birds for fear that they would disappear. 
B) a camera to be integrated within my binoculars... why are there no devices like this yet? I don't want a camera with binocular-vision, I want binoculars with a mini-camera. There is a subtle, but important, difference, I feel.

The stately entrance to PG- don't these trees look rather eerie?

This Mallard duck was taking a bit of a snooze:

So many pretty flowers like this one abounded- even in the cold!

Hello fall colors! 

The iNaturalist app tells me this is a Shelgoose:

Nitish, my colleague, friend and temporary Mitbewohner tells me this is called thatha poochi in Tamil and iNaturalist corroborates, calling it "Old Man's Beard"...close enough translation.

The most common birds in urban Frankfurt- the common blackbird

:

Common moorhens like this one were almost as common to find as humans, ambling along the various walkways of the gardens

These Egyptian geese were among the first exotic birds I saw at the gardens.  

   

These are both different species of tit. On the left is the Eurasian Blue Tit. On the right is the Great Tit- found in large numbers in urban parks in Frankfurt as well as in gardens in Baden Baden. Check out that little stripe down in the middle-almost like it's wearing a tie! RHS pic from Nat Geo.

The Eurasian Jay- what a striking creature! This bird kept fighting with both crows and blackbirds. Saw at the top of a large tree in the children's park at the gardens

This bird gave me goosebumps when I first saw it- this is the treecreeper. With its curved beak and sharp claws it crawls up the side of trees, looking for insects. This is only the 2nd or 3rd time I have seen this bird in my life, the first time being in the Himalayas (McLeodGanj)

The common linnet. Almost as common as the European Robin!

Oh you beautiful creature! This is the Great Spotted Woodpecker

The Long-Tailed Tit... what a tiny beak!Must be the smallest beak among all the birds I have ever seen!

The White Wagtail... I don't recall much about this bird, frankly.

This is a provisional identification: This is a willow warbler. It looks like a few birds I noticed at the gardens, but I can't be sure. Pic credit: eBird

In Baden-Baden, while hiking all over the place (I think I hiked 5h in total! I was almost light-headed with hunger by the time I returned to the town!), these birds were there simply everywhere- on the sidewalks, on roads, on trees lining the roads etc:

The male Eurasian chaffinch. The female is a duller brown/olive green. Pic credit: eBird

My eBird checklist is here. Ever since I got a certificate from a group called The State of India's Birds for my piddling little checklists, I feel compelled to create them. So, it's doing its job in motivating people, clearly. 

Finally, since we are talking about Germany: check out this flagon below. 

No, it's not a German beer... but a large steaming cup of Eritrean Tea!

Pic credits: Those that have not been credited are either mine or Wikimedia Commons

Farewell to October 2023

 Phew.... I am grateful to have come out on the other side of October 23 with my inner peace shaken, stirred, altered but ultimately intact. If my inner peace were a tangible thing, it would be a different color and perhaps texture, but the weight and shape of it might be the same. Perhaps it is a bit smaller than it was, but I think it is more precious in its current form.  

When I am many, many years older, I will look back on this past month and know that this was the month that challenged me the most in my perceptions of myself, my place in my family, my relationship to God, my understanding of dharma and what I can hold as mine and what I cannot. 

I also know I will forever feel proud of myself, for having handled the things I handled with grace, courage and honesty. This month forced me to think through things most people never have to face or question. And I floundered, stumbled, cried and crawled my way into a new understanding and a new peace.

The succeeding months may come with their own challenges and their own heartaches. But I think I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. And for the first time in a month, I am curious about these challenges rather than terrified. 

When next I am faced with a bolt out of the blue, may I remember this feeling of peace, joy, gratitude and curiosity and not mire myself in recrimination, anger and resentment. May I embrace my fears and my vulnerabilities and not try to shove them away, no matter how frightening they may be. 

A few things that have helped me immensely are the following:

a) Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart 

b) Brene Brown's TED talk on Vulnerability

c) Chaturvedi Bhadrinath's exposition of the Mahabharatha

d) H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald

e) My conversations with my friends Jhun and Shiv

f) Khalil Gibran's writings

g) Writing, writing and more writing- the only way I am able to understand myself. 

I need to thank the man for forcing me to confront my biases, implicit expectations, unspoken and swept-under-the-blanket feelings and assumptions, and to approach my relationships with him and the kids with intentionality, meaning and purpose. 

Sudoku Excitement

 Today I used a new trick that I learned from "Cracking the Cryptic"- the Phistomefel Ring.

And I cracked a really difficult puzzle that had me all frustrated until just a while ago. 

Very thrilled with myself.

There's something called a Y Wing that I haven't yet figured out. 

Nov 1st 2023

Last night,I used the Y Wing to solve a Master-level Sudoku. 

I have my hands on the new Robert Galbraith!!

 Books on my phone currently:

A) The Running Grave, Robert Galbraith

B) The Moorehouse Family Rules, HelenKay Dimon

C) Murder at the Mayan Temple, MJ Mandrake

D) Nightchaser, Amanda Bouchet

Hmm... surprisingly not too many straight out romances, though each has a strong romance arc. I need to replenish my TBR romance pile...

I'm so excited about the Galbraith, but but but... it's a a busy fortnight, what with the kids' midterms,  lab work,  paper writing etc.  

note to self: Varsha, do NOT, for God's sake,  dive into it and forget about actual responsibilities... it's a 136 chapters,  for crying out loud... no need to gulp it down in a couple of days... 

My resolution- will not read more than 4 chapters a day,  no matter what. 

******* Post script ******
Well, finished the book in 3 days. Thankfully the kids seemed to enjoy studying by themselves. Probably appreciated the break from my exam-stress induced yellings and grumpinesses. 
(Is this perhaps a really good model to follow? Help the kids with their studies when there is no exam looming ahead, and then grab hold of a good, thick book and make myself unavailable during the exams... it goes counter to everything I learned from mom... but that may not be a bad thing, considering I have a fraction of her patience)

Straight-of-the-bat review: I really liked the book.... need to spend some time actually crafting a proper review... I have decided that the smartbitchestrashybooks.com format is what I will follow and that my resolution is to craft a well-honed review this year. 

Sudoku Woes

 I have been getting so much better at Sudoku these days that I am able to complete even the ones under "Evil" or "Very Difficult" on most online sudoku websites. Yes, I am quite thrilled with myself :)

So, thought it might be time to go back to this one and see if I could figure it out at last. 

Check out the time stamp on the top left: After 2 days and 21 hours, and on my 4th re-try (earlier 3 attempts have not been included in that time stamp), I totally mucked it up... see the 4th row, 3rd column... the only number it can take is 1, but there is already a 1 right next to it.

😭

5th attempt coming up....

The Migraine Ebbs and Flows

As I swing my legs from bed going from supine to upright

I know the migraine is on its way. 

 Dull throbbing to full on spite 

It’s a juggernaut that inexorably 

Moves through plane after plane 

Of my brain 

Until all my consciousness 

 And all my being 

 Is concentrated on that giant ball of ache that is my head 

 The migraine is somewhat like an old overpowering friend 

I accept and I am resigned 

To the sweeping wave 

That torpedoes away 

Deadlines, stresses, expectations, and snares 

No matter how grave. 

I go through the motions:

 I eat, I take pills

I draw the curtains and 

 Huddle within quilts 

Sometimes I cuddle my head 

Sometimes I stare straight ahead 

 When I wake up, the ball of pain is gone 

Leaving tendrils that shiver and taunt 

I close my eyes and probe 

Every part of my brain, skull and bone 

From inside and out 

I identify the tendrils 

 I picture yanking them out 

 A form of weed kill 

I spend the next hour in a state of bliss 

And feel relief for my climb out from the abyss 

Till the next visit

 I am till then fully me and mine.