Wednesday, November 1, 2023

Farewell to October 2023

 Phew.... I am grateful to have come out on the other side of October 23 with my inner peace shaken, stirred, altered but ultimately intact. If my inner peace were a tangible thing, it would be a different color and perhaps texture, but the weight and shape of it might be the same. Perhaps it is a bit smaller than it was, but I think it is more precious in its current form.  

When I am many, many years older, I will look back on this past month and know that this was the month that challenged me the most in my perceptions of myself, my place in my family, my relationship to God, my understanding of dharma and what I can hold as mine and what I cannot. 

I also know I will forever feel proud of myself, for having handled the things I handled with grace, courage and honesty. This month forced me to think through things most people never have to face or question. And I floundered, stumbled, cried and crawled my way into a new understanding and a new peace.

The succeeding months may come with their own challenges and their own heartaches. But I think I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. And for the first time in a month, I am curious about these challenges rather than terrified. 

When next I am faced with a bolt out of the blue, may I remember this feeling of peace, joy, gratitude and curiosity and not mire myself in recrimination, anger and resentment. May I embrace my fears and my vulnerabilities and not try to shove them away, no matter how frightening they may be. 

A few things that have helped me immensely are the following:

a) Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart 

b) Brene Brown's TED talk on Vulnerability

c) Chaturvedi Bhadrinath's exposition of the Mahabharatha

d) H is for Hawk by Helen Macdonald

e) My conversations with my friends Jhun and Shiv

f) Khalil Gibran's writings

g) Writing, writing and more writing- the only way I am able to understand myself. 

I need to thank the man for forcing me to confront my biases, implicit expectations, unspoken and swept-under-the-blanket feelings and assumptions, and to approach my relationships with him and the kids with intentionality, meaning and purpose. 

Thursday, October 19, 2023

Sudoku Excitement

 Today I used a new trick that I learned from "Cracking the Cryptic"- the Phistomefel Ring.

And I cracked a really difficult puzzle that had me all frustrated until just a while ago. 

Very thrilled with myself.

There's something called a Y Wing that I haven't yet figured out. 


Nov 1st 2023

Last night,I used the Y Wing to solve a Master-level Sudoku. 

Monday, October 2, 2023

I have my hands on the new Robert Galbraith!!

 Books on my phone currently:

A) The Running Grave, Robert Galbraith

B) The Moorehouse Family Rules, HelenKay Dimon

C) Murder at the Mayan Temple, MJ Mandrake

D) Nightchaser, Amanda Bouchet


Hmm... surprisingly not too many straight out romances, though each has a strong romance arc. I need to replenish my TBR romance pile...


I'm so excited about the Galbraith, but but but... it's a a busy fortnight, what with the kids' midterms,  lab work,  paper writing etc.  


note to self: Varsha, do NOT, for God's sake,  dive into it and forget about actual responsibilities... it's a 136 chapters,  for crying out loud... no need to gulp it down in a couple of days... 

My resolution- will not read more than 4 chapters a day,  no matter what. 



******* Post script ******
Well, finished the book in 3 days. Thankfully the kids seemed to enjoy studying by themselves. Probably appreciated the break from my exam-stress induced yellings and grumpinesses. 
(Is this perhaps a really good model to follow? Help the kids with their studies when there is no exam looming ahead, and then grab hold of a good, thick book and make myself unavailable during the exams... it goes counter to everything I learned from mom... but that may not be a bad thing, considering I have a fraction of her patience)

Straight-of-the-bat review: I really liked the book.... need to spend some time actually crafting a proper review... I have decided that the smartbitchestrashybooks.com format is what I will follow and that my resolution is to craft a well-honed review this year. 

Friday, September 29, 2023

Sudoku Woes

 I have been getting so much better at Sudoku these days that I am able to complete even the ones under "Evil" or "Very Difficult" on most online sudoku websites. Yes, I am quite thrilled with myself :)

So, thought it might be time to go back to this one and see if I could figure it out at last. 


Check out the time stamp on the top left: After 2 days and 21 hours, and on my 4th re-try (earlier 3 attempts have not been included in that time stamp), I totally mucked it up... see the 4th row, 3rd column... the only number it can take is 1, but there is already a 1 right next to it.

😭

5th attempt coming up....

Wednesday, August 9, 2023

The Migraine Ebbs and Flows

As I swing my legs from bed going from supine to upright
I know the migraine is on its way. 
 Dull throbbing to full on spite 
It’s a juggernaut that inexorably 
Moves through plane after plane 
Of my brain 
Until all my consciousness 
 And all my being 
 Is concentrated on that giant ball of ache that is my head 
 The migraine is somewhat like an old overpowering friend 
I accept and I am resigned 
To the sweeping wave 
That torpedoes away 
Deadlines, stresses, expectations, and snares 
No matter how grave. 
I go through the motions:
 I eat, I take pills
I draw the curtains and 
 Huddle within quilts 
Sometimes I cuddle my head 
Sometimes I stare straight ahead 
 When I wake up, the ball of pain is gone 
Leaving tendrils that shiver and taunt 
I close my eyes and probe 
Every part of my brain, skull and bone 
From inside and out 
I identify the tendrils 
 I picture yanking them out 
 A form of weed kill 
I spend the next hour in a state of bliss 
And feel relief for my climb out from the abyss 
Till the next visit
 I am till then fully me and mine.

Sunday, July 16, 2023

Reflections on Birding

 Have spent the week in Udaipur at Basic Health Services, going to their far-flung clinics, observing doctor-patient interactions, laboratory processes, tests done etc. I remember going off alone before on work-related trips but it's been long enough that it feels like a different lifetime (I think the last one was for a conference in 2008!)

This time, the man and the kids have been managing by themselves and I have had the opportunity to focus on work, and during my time away from the clinics, bird-watch. I am happy that I have been able to go on exploratory walks, learning about the city and its birds nearly every day. I am also glad to have been able to observe some critical growth as a birdwatcher in myself.

My attitude to birding has gone through phases, from frustrated novice to insecure and inexperienced to impatient and full of FOMO to my present state of acceptance. The greatest influence here has been the book "The Living Air" by Aasheesh Pittie. I have not read this book yet, but I read the foreword by Mark Cocker. There, Cocker describes Aasheesh Pittie's capacity to spend many hours in fascinated observation even of the most common birds (in this case, it was the dabchick, a small and rather drab, dull, brown bird in most local waterbodies that ducks in and out of water). For some reason,  this felt like permission that I could spend just as much time observing the bulbuls, tailorbirds, sunbirds and mynahs of common city life as I could spend hunting for the yellow rumped honeyguide or the green magpie in the Himalayas in Sikkim. Once I embraced this notion, all birdwatching has become precious... the time spent gazing at a crow tearing apart some food is not wasted time, but a privileged glimpse into its life. Why spend time anxious and impatient to go to exotic places to hunt out exotic species or feel like you are falling behind in your growth, when you can make your learning about what you already know deeper and deeper? Why put a price on the value of a birdwatching experience? 

With this rather mellow attitude, I have found intense joy in birding in Udaipur. I should point out that Udaipur in July, after the first wave of monsoon rains, is paradise. Its lush green Aravalli hills roll into the distance with all the professed beauty of the English or Scottish countryside, its lakes are brimming over with clean rainwater and small rivulets and streams run happily alongside country roads. It is still small by Indian city standards and birds that are now non-existent in larger Indian cities, such as sparrows and swallows, throng here in large numbers. There are farms and fields in the center of the city! There are old style constructions which allow small birds to nest within nooks and crannies. There is a prevalent culture of bird-feeding with clumps of nuts and grains or shallow pots of water left outside nearly every house.

I won't go into details about the birds I saw during this trip, but will direct you to the eBird checklists I created: here, herehere and here)

There have been two other major ways I have improved as a birdwatcher:
a) Looking at an unknown bird and considering the possibility that it is a female: We all gaze at the colors and antics of the male birds, which tend to be attractive and eye-catching. The females, of course, wear drabber colors and do not need to go through masculine antics. I saw a chocolate brown bird with bright eyes foraging on the soil of the patch of land behind the BHS clinic at Kojawada and almost fell off the terrace in my attempts to keep it within view. The feature that made me think of female birds was the fluffy patch of reddishness near the vent (which is a fancy way of saying butt), and which is a distinguishing feature of the male Indian robin. 

Female Indian robin. Image from https://ebird.org/species/indrob1/IN-RJ-UD, Rahul Singh

The bird above is smaller and plumper than the ones I saw, but you get the idea. With bated breath and slightly trembly fingers, I looked up pictures of the female robin and was thrilled to find it was the same. I have since seen the female multiple times and always feel a sense of kinship. 

If you would have watched me, some years ago, go through hours and hours of all sorts of mental acrobats before figuring out a particular bird was a female cuckoo, you would get why the ability to reasonably quickly identify a female robin thrills me no end. 

b) Breeding plumages of birds: Near where I stay is the Ayad river. It's a bit of work to birdwatch here because of the insane number of flies that buzz around you all the time, trying to sit on your eye and mouth and disgusting things like that. It's because of all the trash that is thrown on the banks, and the smell doesn't help. But in my new, all-accepting avatar (may it thrive and grow!), I (wo)manfully ignored all this and spent a good long time on either side of the bridge staring at the water. I came across one fellow with the most splendid beak- pale blue near the nose, then a splash of bright yellow and a black tip. The beak threw me off. If I hadn't observed the beak, I would have said, "Ah, Mr. Pond Heron, nice to see you here" but the beak suddenly made him look a far more sophisticated specimen than the homegrown little fellow who fishes in my backyard open drain in Bangalore. I was like, "Could you be a relative? Are you a subspecies found here and not in Bangalore?" But turns out, this is what pond herons in the breeding season look like- their beaks become brighter and have these starkly beautiful colors on them!                                      


The pond heron doth clean up but good for his lady. Pics from Wiki Commons

I find bird watching astonishingly meditative. One has to be fully in the present. Any distractions, and you could lose sight of the bird forever. It is deeply restorative for the spirit- there is something very healing in being able to observe a bird crooning to itself or its young ones, or engaging in aerial displays just for the sheer fun of it (last evening I saw a flock of swallows zooming around at top speed swerving and veering, much like young boys on motorbikes doing wheelies), or raucously calling to its friends (yes, parakeets and babblers, I am looking at you, you noisy creatures) or being deeply paranoid about its young (red wattled lapwings, if you don't want people to find your eggs, don't lay them next to the road and then spend the next few hours shrieking at everyone). There is a sense of being part of something larger and realizing that deep, true and real worries and feelings are almost exactly the same regardless of whether you are a human or a bird. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2023

What to do with my new-found freedom

 I am and have been luckier than most people in the world. In addition to the key people in my life- my parents, spouse, kids and parents-in-law- there have been many family members, friends, colleagues, mentors and guides who have supported me at many stages of my life.

Now I am lucky again to have found myself in this position at this stage of my life: of starting afresh, but with an even stronger foundation than before.

What to do with all this liberty? 

What is my vision board:

a) Money:
- I want to earn large amounts of money... something like 2-2.5L per month to begin with?
- I want to clear my parents' SBI stuff this year 

b) Life:
- House: I want to renovate the house so it looks inviting, warm, loving and clean.
- My time in nature: I want to spend time bird watching, insect watching, growing plants, and watching them grow 
- Minimalist lifestyle: I want to get rid of everything that doesn't bring joy into life as Mary Kondo instructs
- Fitness: I want to be fit, strong and flexible. I want to do Vipaasana and learn to quiet my mind
- Food: I want to eat healthy food and ensure my kids are eating healthy as well. 
- Health: I want to ensure we are all protected and healthy. This means regular dental, ophthalmologic checkups, dermatology, seeking help for Ani's stammering, diet plan etc.
-Time with kids: Durga has specifically asked me to spend more time at home with her. So will plan to do so.

c) Learning:
- I want to delve into public health implementation and leadership. I want to lead programs and participate in programs which are community-based, which solve critical problems and work with wise and smart people who get things done. 
- I want to learn a new language
- I want to go abroad to meet people and learn new things
- I want to write extensively and regularly
- Kids and husband: I want to travel with the fam, do stuff with the kids (in nature, in the house, with their school and many other avenues) and learn with and from them. 
-BBMP stuff: let this journey be something I am grateful for and learn from for future projects, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be. Let me emerge from this experience stronger, smarter and with a lot more understanding of legal, regulatory and financial processes, people and systems.