Turahalli Tree Park

 Is the name of the place I decided to go birding at today. It took about 35m by metro and then another 25 mins of walking.

I have been using eBird as a way to keep track of my lists, but I miss my older posts with the pics and the names. I also think the blog is a better way to keep learning so I'll do both. Here's my eBird list. 

Some of the birds of note I saw today were:

The Asian tit or Cinereous tit- spotted it on a roadside shrub on the way to the park. Image from eBird

The Cinereous tit is such a beauty- it's striking, it's small and energetic, and is almost as common as a sparrow in some parts... alas for B'lore city, we have neither anymore.

The spot-breasted fantail... don't you love names that describe the thing perfectly!

The bulbuls  :

Red whiskered

                                                                                           

White browed

Red vented

Each gorgeous and sweet-sounding

There is a bird called the Ashy prinia which I adore- it's noisy, it doesn't give a crap and it's beauty is very subtle- outwardly boring, but in the right light, the way the light catches on the ashy blue and the brown and the pale orange is stunning 

The Ap is truly as noisy and chattering as this pic suggests

Today, I met its cousin, the plain prinia, an unfortunate name for an equally charming bird

Just look at how gorgeously fluffy it is!

You are NOT plain, my lovely... you are adorable, yes you are!

Also saw LOTs of butterflies, many of which I have seen elsewhere in B'lore, but whose names I do not know. I must start learning about butterflies this year...

All in all, a great morning!

Images from eBird.. none are mine.

                                                            

A deep breath, at long last

 I haven't been birding by myself in a few months.... perhaps the last time was in Copenhagen, about 5 months ago. But that was in peak winter, and the pickings were far and few. 

Birding is funny in some ways- depending on who I do it with, I feel differently about it. It is the most meditative, pleasurable and calming activity when I am by myself. I enjoy it when I am with Goose, my younger one. Goose doesn't care so much about birds, but she likes observing nature and staring at flowers and insects and how things interact with each other- she would any day like to observe a bird eating an insect than a bird sitting by itself somewhere.... she takes a Birds Eye view about birding, lol! In my mind, when I am with Goose, I am the person helping her appreciate things around her. It's a very conscious act and role that I take on, though I don't know if that's a good thing or not. 

My older one, Ani, well, I haven't birded with him alone in a very long time, actually, never. It's almost always with others, either his cousins or with RK. He's an excellent intuitive birder, having been taught by RK almost from the time he was a toddler. But he tends to get bored by the same old birds (who doesn't?) and can be a bit lazy. He is at the stage where the diagnosis is all important, not the story.

Birding with RK, I have realised, is neither meditative nor calming. It's educational and energising. But at the end of it, I don't have the sense of deep connection with the earth or the sky or nature as I do when I am by myself. I think it's because of a sense of urgency that he instills in the process- there's no time to stand and stare. Or maybe he's really fast and gets impatient with plodders like me. 

The opportunity to bird by myself comes occasionally, not too often. I like to plan it out- where to go, how, by when and so on. I research the birds I am likely to see by browsing through eBird the night before. Since I depend on public transport or my own two legs, I choose the places I go to very carefully. Twice or thrice, I have booked a cab to reach slightly out-of-the-way places, but these have never been by myself. I think there are two reasons for this: one is that I am careful- no matter how old a woman gets, traipsing by oneself is not wise. And the second is, I am not very comfortable splurging a few thousand rupees just for myself. I would much rather spend it when someone else is with me.

Once I reach the place, I am a meanderer. I don't like rushing about. I take deep breaths, trying to let go of my usual avatar, City Varsha, and to calm myself down. Invariably, there will be no birds seen in the first minutes, though their songs carry in the wind, and occasional glimpses of wings can be caught. This is mostly because Birder Varsha, the patient, observant, curious avatar hasn't yet fully come into being. 

For me, birding is a way to give in to curiosity. I use my binos on a lot of things, even those that I know aren't birds. There will be strange-shaped leaves, the angle of light and shadows creates shapes that capture my attention, there will be nests of various types... I try comparing how things look through my glasses and what I imagine the thing to be, with what the clarity of binos reveal. At times, I collect seeds, leaves, and twigs because in that moment it seems unbearable that I can't take this world back with me. I have given up collecting flowers because they lose their magic so quickly, wilting and browning a few minutes in my little bag. Seeds are the best, because they retain the potential to hope. You can stare at them and imagine the tree they will grow to be, plant them and water them and pray that they sprout and that the sapling survives. There were a set of seeds that I brought back from the Forest Research Institute in Dehradun that are now sturdy little plants at home and I always hope that the other seeds I collect can be at least slightly successful. Most have not, but the hope remains. 

I am neither an intuitive birder nor a very experienced one. It's like a language that you learn in adulthood, needing frequent laborious mental translations and references to dictionaries. I still get confused between birds that look kind of similar like robins and bush chats, still can't entirely tell which ones are the females. Raptors are the chapter I never got to in my studies. What I think I am decent at are small-ish birds that mostly hang out in trees or fly between grasses and trees.  I say small-ish, because warblers are small and hang out in trees and I cannot figure them out at all. 

The sign of a successful birding expedition is if I can see birds under my eyelids after I return home and sleep. 

Normal

"Normal" is entirely subjective. It is person-dependent, society-dependent, culture-dependent and time-dependent.

What seems normal to us today (where to start.... homosexual relationships, divorces, premarital sex, women working, women in government! ... ) would have been extremely shocking at various points of time in history, and if all our texts are right, then in fact not so shocking if one were to go even further back in history.

We get so bogged down by what is normal, we get so scared about not appearing normal, and are so afraid of others telling us so, that we forget that the definition of normal is temporary.  

RK has been spending the last 2 months in Udaipur and will be spending another 2-3 months there. He gets asked this question a lot: but why are you doing this? Isn't this abnormal? What about your wife and kids? Wouldn't this have an adverse effect on the children's emotional state?

To me, this actually feels a bit normal- growing up, my mom and I used to be one of the rare families that would accompany my dad to every city he ever got transferred to. Most other bank officials would leave their families in their home towns and basically spend years in various other cities, occasionally meeting up with wife and kids and parents. We were the abnormal ones at that time and I recall my parents constantly fielding questions about why they were ok with my changing schools every so often, and wouldn't this have an adverse impact on my emotional state and so on. 

I think the things that feel right and give joy are the right choices to pursue. Obviously this will change from person to person, from family to family and from time to time. Then Everything is normal. 

Remembering my dad

 I've had the opportunity these past two days to spend a couple of hours at IITM. My father did his B.Tech and M.Tech there in the late 60s- early 70s. 

For some reason,  when I was doing my B.Tech in Anna Uni opposite IITM, neither he nor I thought about going to the IITM campus to see what he did and where and how things might have changed 30/35 years later. I never went to IITM by myself during those 4 years either.  

He didn't tell me much about his years there (and I didn't ask... most teenagers/ early 20s new adults feel no great curiosity about their parents' lives and I think we have established over the course of this blog that I'm fairly self- absorbed).

 Now that they are both in a different realm,  I wonder a great deal about their early lives and the choices they made and wish I could have the opportunity for easy conversations that I have with my friends.  

As I explored the campus, shrouded in a thin mist but not particularly cold,  early today morning,  I marveled at the giant banyans, the blackbucks and the white spotted deer. These trees must be a few hundred years old... my dad must have walked past them.  Some buildings, including Chemical Engineering, his major,  look to be the squat old buildings of the 70s..I wonder if he too, like so many students today,  cycled back and forth between his hostel and dept, or if he preferred to walk,  as he did in his later years.

He must have mentioned the name of his hostel at some point,  especially during the single reunion he attended a year or so before his death,  but in the long list of hostel names on the road signs, I couldn't recall it.  

He had told me about how, for his M.Tech thesis,  he had to use a computer, which in those days was as long as a room and would be housed across the main road in the Uni of Madras campus.  He would use punch cards. It would take him a few hours to punch holes in the card in IITM, then he would go to Uni of Madras (would have to reserve the computer ahead of time), and then feed the punch card into the machine and return the next day for his computations.  

Huh.

I also found out, the hard way,  that the distance between his likely dept at IITM and the likely dept at Uni of Madras (where the computer must have been) is not exactly an easy walk... must have been at least 3km one way 

My mom and grandmother had told me that he never actually wanted to become an engineer.  He was interested in medicine.  And my uncle,  Sampath, who did Medicine actually wanted to be an engineer.  Ani,  who resembles my father a great deal in looks and personality,  likes neither.  He likes cooking and food.  My father also used to like cooking. He would make the same elaborate plans for menus and ways of cooking that I see Ani make these days.  

This rather unexpected trip made me reflect on my father's life and choices. It also underscored to me that while our kids may have very different preferences to us,  there is still a familiarity to them.  Ani's desires for his life may seem unusual on the surface, but weirdly makes me feel closer to my dad.  

Growth as a public health researcher

Today I did something quite brilliant and I want to crow about it a bit. 

In a particular coalition project on dengue prevention,  one of the coalition partners left rather abruptly and in an unpleasant manner.  This partner was our main community link,  having been embedded in that community for years and years. With their departure,  a lot of the other work,  including ours, was adversely impacted. 

To complete the requirements of the project,  I need to get the data of 100 people in about a week. This is not just surveys, but also blood tests.  With our access to apartments,  community leaders,  labour unions etc completely cut off, I was getting really jittery about being about to finish this thing. I had done a lot of nifty Googling and found other community partners, but things were moving too slowly. 

Last night I decided that the only way to solve this was to go to the community and walk around the area a bit and I hoped that once I saw things with my own eyes and talked to a few people, I would get some ideas.  Well,  long and short of it is,  I did and I got :)

First,  there was a police station as soon as one enters the ward.  I spoke to the constables and the inspector and they agreed to have us come by next week for the surveys and tests! I think i should get atleast 20 -25 ppl here during the 90m they have given us.  

Next,  I realized that places of worship could be other potential areas and tracked down some mosques, temples and churches.  However, when today was Fri, and the mosques were busy; the temples were all closed in the afternoon and my personal bet of churches working out (since a lot of laborers in the area are from Tamil Nadu and most of them tend to be Christians) didn't really materialize. 

I then checked out the banks and have another appointment for testing next week...I hope to get atleast 30-40 there.  Here's a funny thing- one may not have access to the large apartment complexes for such surveillance work, but one can catch the same people at the public institutions (like banks) where most of them conduct their business... of course, nobody goes to a physical bank anymore. Shopping malls or neighborhood supermarkets might work even better, but I don't think it's a good idea to mix up blood collection with food.  

Finally, I spoke to shopkeepers, telling them about what we are doing and have the phone number of one of the owners of a most promising place to request permission- the shop faces a slum with a lot of foot and vehicular traffic, it has the Indian postal service branch above it and the fire brigade a few feet away.  I think I should be able to get the remainder of ppl, if the owner allows us.  

I walked around for nearly 3 hours.  Spoke to a lot of people.  My key learnings have been:

A) nothing can beat the sheer efficiency of personally going to a place and meeting people face to face when one wants to do community engagement projects. 

B) my title helped :)

C) the name of BBMP was like magic- this project is supported by the municipality and so leading the conversation with that really opened a lot of doors... it does indicate a level of trust with the govt that is good to observe. 

I hope next week by this time,  I should have not only met but exceeded the expectations of the project! 

Trying to synthesise my experiences over the past fortnight

 On the 23rd of Nov, a week before I left for Copenhagen, I had written in my diary that the trip to Cph would be transformative in terms of personal and professional growth. This was still when I knew little about Denmark or Copenhagen or the workshop that was generously paying for my trip.

Two weeks later, I can unequivocally state that it was indeed transformative. Some meandering thoughts that I would like to pen down before they get lost forever in the ether of my brain:

a) Am proud of myself for not only battling imposter syndrome, but also for learning to be by myself- no crutches in the form of friends, family, work or being busy. I spent a week just...being. And I was healthy, in mind, spirit and body. It has taken time and effort to reach this degree of comfort with myself, and with this level of awareness of my emotions. I was worried earlier this year when RK broached the idea of him going to Australia to learn and practice aboriginal medicine, but I am happy that I have made the effort to learn to be by myself. We love spending time with each other, but have learned to give the other space to grow. Khalil Gibran's poem about the oak and cypress resonates and inspires me.

b) Some thoughts about OneHealth and production and economics: Denmark's economy is largely fuelled by the pig industry- they are among the world's largest exporters of piglets and pig meat. They also export milk and cattle meat. A lot of effort has gone into ensuring that the production of pigs or cattle meat or milk is not affected by infectious diseases, nor does it over-depend on the use of antimicrobial medicines. This is achieved through stringent infection control methods (they have eradicated multiple diseases from their country, over the past 200 years, thanks to investments in health literacy, technology, biosecurity practices and hygiene) and eradication of carriers and potential carriers of disease. For instance, to prevent African Swine Flu and to reduce Salmonella and Campylobacter infections, Denmark's policy has been to intensify infection control through stringent sterilisation practices of people and equipment (at the farms, slaughter houses and the vehicles for transportation) coming into contact with pig meat. But in order to absolutely prevent any cases of ASF, they have also blocked any entry of wild boars into the country and have killed any wild boars that happened to be in the country. I understand the need for ASF prevention and how it may cross-over to humans once it spreads in pigs, but does OneHealth also mean not allowing other animals to live for the benefit of humans and our industries? This definition of OneHealth is a thought-provoking one. If farmers depend on production for their loans and the finance system of Denmark is geared towards maximising the number of pigs that can be produced per farm, then there is a strong positive feedback for continuous growth- more land for each pig farm, more piglets per sow, more meat per pig, more chances for infection, more intensified infection control through whatever ways work. It is a system driven by numbers and by measurement and constantly towards "More".

Thanks to Dr. Amit Kanani, I learned something about the Indian veterinary and animal husbandry industry. Our policies could definitely do with decreasing antimicrobial use and increasing efforts to prevent infections in animals through stringent hygiene, for sure.  For certain diseases, like Avian Influenza, we too cull the infected and potentially infected animals and intensify surveillance around the epicentres of such outbreaks. But we also use a lot of vaccines to prevent diseases or to treat animals for many diseases. Certainly there are economic reasons for promoting vaccination and surveillance over extermination of reservoirs, but there are also cultural and philosophical reasons for doing so. He had mentioned how "Vasudaiva Kutumbakam" - the world is our family- is a driving philosophy for the policies followed and I am struck by this aspect of OneHealth too. 

So, it has been an eye-opening experience to realise that people across the world do not have the same general idea or definitions about OneHealth-  clearly there are factors of path dependency, political, financial and economic ecosystems, culture, philosophy and history that colour one's definition at an individual level and influence policies at a country level, or even a continent level. If OneHealth, a term that seems perfectly obvious on the surface, has so many meanings and connotations, is it any wonder that terms like sustainability, climate change, resilience etc are so deeply debated and indeed, fought over?

c) Another term that was discussed during this meeting that struck a chord in me was "Degrowth". I should thank the Green Solutions Centre group for bringing it up. Dr. Peter  used the example of the pig industry to wonder if the global policy towards "More" was compatible with the urgent need for sustainability. He acknowledged the immense difficulty in reversing this trend. These conversations were triggered by the wonderful exhibit of veterinary history curated by Dr.Nathalia Brichet, a social anthropologist at the Dept of Veterinary Medicine, who asks these questions and makes us think about what our world views are, what we are willing to sacrifice and where we draw the line and how these change with different backgrounds and cultures. As a student of Complex Adaptive Systems, I found this exhibition and the conversations triggered by it truly exemplary and memorable.

d) I found the talk on the Danish model of collaboration by Lis Alban of Seges Innovation full of wisdom. She talked about transparency, honest communication and a true desire for participation by all stakeholders that have led to the policies on food and everything else. She represents the private sector and it was really interesting to learn about the Danish Veterinary and Food Council, which despite having a name that seems to suggest that it is a government body, is actually a cooperative of private industries and individuals invested in the companies that produce and export.  Despite the overwhelming diversity of India, I do believe there is an Indian model of collaboration too, and who knows, perhaps one day I will be able to crystallise the essence of it as concisely and clearly as Lis was able to about her country.

e) The trip enabled me to learn about the deep and inspiring work of my own fellow Indians- Dr. Yas Sandul, Dr. Deepak Saxena and Dr. Amit Kanani. I look forward to being in touch with them and learning more from them.

f) Finally, at a personal level, I am thankful for so many things:

- the expansion of mind that this trip has afforded me, including my utter surprise and delight at the clever use of technology and architecture at the CityHub capsule hotel. I am determined to use this expansion as a way to solve mundane problems in business management through innovation and not merely manpower.

- the time away from the urgencies of day to day life. I was able to run regularly (crossed 6km! It's taken over a year, but I feel like a real runner at last!), eat mindfully and spend my time the way I wanted to, for over a week. What privilege! 

- the kids for managing themselves so well and being so open to and supportive of their mom happily traipsing away

- my laboratory for running itself fairly smoothly and effectively. It is a testament to the systems and the people and I couldn't be more proud.

This trip has facilitated an openness to exploring opportunities outside of India and broadening my horizons in many different ways.

Battling Imposter Syndrome

 The good news is- I finally recognise the signs of it. 

The better news is- I'm able to regulate how to respond to it (not with fear and tears and shutting down). I know I am in control of how to respond, and cannot and should not feel helpless or powerless. 

The bad news- I still feel it!

Arrrggh

At the U.Cph workshop today,  I was hit with a few doses of the good old IS. 

I'm not part of a large organization like my fellow invitees from India.  Large organizations invariably come with pedigree, funds, students, impact and stability.  I have to fight the feeling of being unable to compete with them at any level.  

One of the more senior Indian professors made a statement like,  "well, you should keep more updated on what is happening with the current trends in your own country, instead of talking about some old information.. India is moving fast a lot" in a very cutting sort of voice... this was about the fact that a particular program on field epidemiology training had expanded it's scope from human public health professionals to include veterinary epidemiologists,  food safety officers,  and forestry department officials.  I did not know this and had made a comment on how the Danish system of using food safety as a link between human and animal departments both made perfectly intuitive sense and was novel.  

My first instinct after hearing this was to shrivel a bit inside...I have heard such statements many, many times from many, many people throughout my life. Usually it happens when I'm being very proactive and engaged,  asking questions etc and it invariably shuts me up..I become extremely self- conscious and wonder if I've been blathering too much and become very subdued.  

Today,  I realized that shriveling was about to begin and I aggressively stopped it.  I have no reason to get subdued,  I have every right to speak up and honestly,  who on the world knows everything? And maybe he didn't even mean it in an oppressive sort of way- maybe it was just me,  assuming things. 

Later, he made comments about a dengue program that they were doing,  which was very similar to what I am, and seems a hundred times better.  

My psyche needs a bit of a shaking up... I am here to learn and to grow. These are opportunites. People have recognised my value and have invited me.  My husband has started using my company's name as his home institute for all the amazing work that he is doing, and he's definitely not the nepotism- types and is very very careful about what he formally associates himself with.  I too have an organization and it's something that I have built with my own sweat and tears.  So, why should I discount that?

With all these going for me,  what in the world am I so scared about? Where is the imposter syndrome coming from? 

I will end this entry here with a stern reminder to myself that I'm not here to win students, accolades or money.  I'm here to deeply engage and pursue everything that catches my fairly broad and inquisitive interest.  I'm grateful that I'm here and that I'm unburdened by so many obstacles that others face and am privileged to have been given this opportunity- not just this  workshop, but even to just come to a different country and hang out by myself.