Trying to synthesise my experiences over the past fortnight

 On the 23rd of Nov, a week before I left for Copenhagen, I had written in my diary that the trip to Cph would be transformative in terms of personal and professional growth. This was still when I knew little about Denmark or Copenhagen or the workshop that was generously paying for my trip.

Two weeks later, I can unequivocally state that it was indeed transformative. Some meandering thoughts that I would like to pen down before they get lost forever in the ether of my brain:

a) Am proud of myself for not only battling imposter syndrome, but also for learning to be by myself- no crutches in the form of friends, family, work or being busy. I spent a week just...being. And I was healthy, in mind, spirit and body. It has taken time and effort to reach this degree of comfort with myself, and with this level of awareness of my emotions. I was worried earlier this year when RK broached the idea of him going to Australia to learn and practice aboriginal medicine, but I am happy that I have made the effort to learn to be by myself. We love spending time with each other, but have learned to give the other space to grow. Khalil Gibran's poem about the oak and cypress resonates and inspires me.

b) Some thoughts about OneHealth and production and economics: Denmark's economy is largely fuelled by the pig industry- they are among the world's largest exporters of piglets and pig meat. They also export milk and cattle meat. A lot of effort has gone into ensuring that the production of pigs or cattle meat or milk is not affected by infectious diseases, nor does it over-depend on the use of antimicrobial medicines. This is achieved through stringent infection control methods (they have eradicated multiple diseases from their country, over the past 200 years, thanks to investments in health literacy, technology, biosecurity practices and hygiene) and eradication of carriers and potential carriers of disease. For instance, to prevent African Swine Flu and to reduce Salmonella and Campylobacter infections, Denmark's policy has been to intensify infection control through stringent sterilisation practices of people and equipment (at the farms, slaughter houses and the vehicles for transportation) coming into contact with pig meat. But in order to absolutely prevent any cases of ASF, they have also blocked any entry of wild boars into the country and have killed any wild boars that happened to be in the country. I understand the need for ASF prevention and how it may cross-over to humans once it spreads in pigs, but does OneHealth also mean not allowing other animals to live for the benefit of humans and our industries? This definition of OneHealth is a thought-provoking one. If farmers depend on production for their loans and the finance system of Denmark is geared towards maximising the number of pigs that can be produced per farm, then there is a strong positive feedback for continuous growth- more land for each pig farm, more piglets per sow, more meat per pig, more chances for infection, more intensified infection control through whatever ways work. It is a system driven by numbers and by measurement and constantly towards "More".

Thanks to Dr. Amit Kanani, I learned something about the Indian veterinary and animal husbandry industry. Our policies could definitely do with decreasing antimicrobial use and increasing efforts to prevent infections in animals through stringent hygiene, for sure.  For certain diseases, like Avian Influenza, we too cull the infected and potentially infected animals and intensify surveillance around the epicentres of such outbreaks. But we also use a lot of vaccines to prevent diseases or to treat animals for many diseases. Certainly there are economic reasons for promoting vaccination and surveillance over extermination of reservoirs, but there are also cultural and philosophical reasons for doing so. He had mentioned how "Vasudaiva Kutumbakam" - the world is our family- is a driving philosophy for the policies followed and I am struck by this aspect of OneHealth too. 

So, it has been an eye-opening experience to realise that people across the world do not have the same general idea or definitions about OneHealth-  clearly there are factors of path dependency, political, financial and economic ecosystems, culture, philosophy and history that colour one's definition at an individual level and influence policies at a country level, or even a continent level. If OneHealth, a term that seems perfectly obvious on the surface, has so many meanings and connotations, is it any wonder that terms like sustainability, climate change, resilience etc are so deeply debated and indeed, fought over?

c) Another term that was discussed during this meeting that struck a chord in me was "Degrowth". I should thank the Green Solutions Centre group for bringing it up. Dr. Peter  used the example of the pig industry to wonder if the global policy towards "More" was compatible with the urgent need for sustainability. He acknowledged the immense difficulty in reversing this trend. These conversations were triggered by the wonderful exhibit of veterinary history curated by Dr.Nathalia Brichet, a social anthropologist at the Dept of Veterinary Medicine, who asks these questions and makes us think about what our world views are, what we are willing to sacrifice and where we draw the line and how these change with different backgrounds and cultures. As a student of Complex Adaptive Systems, I found this exhibition and the conversations triggered by it truly exemplary and memorable.

d) I found the talk on the Danish model of collaboration by Lis Alban of Seges Innovation full of wisdom. She talked about transparency, honest communication and a true desire for participation by all stakeholders that have led to the policies on food and everything else. She represents the private sector and it was really interesting to learn about the Danish Veterinary and Food Council, which despite having a name that seems to suggest that it is a government body, is actually a cooperative of private industries and individuals invested in the companies that produce and export.  Despite the overwhelming diversity of India, I do believe there is an Indian model of collaboration too, and who knows, perhaps one day I will be able to crystallise the essence of it as concisely and clearly as Lis was able to about her country.

e) The trip enabled me to learn about the deep and inspiring work of my own fellow Indians- Dr. Yas Sandul, Dr. Deepak Saxena and Dr. Amit Kanani. I look forward to being in touch with them and learning more from them.

f) Finally, at a personal level, I am thankful for so many things:

- the expansion of mind that this trip has afforded me, including my utter surprise and delight at the clever use of technology and architecture at the CityHub capsule hotel. I am determined to use this expansion as a way to solve mundane problems in business management through innovation and not merely manpower.

- the time away from the urgencies of day to day life. I was able to run regularly (crossed 6km! It's taken over a year, but I feel like a real runner at last!), eat mindfully and spend my time the way I wanted to, for over a week. What privilege! 

- the kids for managing themselves so well and being so open to and supportive of their mom happily traipsing away

- my laboratory for running itself fairly smoothly and effectively. It is a testament to the systems and the people and I couldn't be more proud.

This trip has facilitated an openness to exploring opportunities outside of India and broadening my horizons in many different ways.

Battling Imposter Syndrome

 The good news is- I finally recognise the signs of it. 

The better news is- I'm able to regulate how to respond to it (not with fear and tears and shutting down). I know I am in control of how to respond, and cannot and should not feel helpless or powerless. 

The bad news- I still feel it!

Arrrggh

At the U.Cph workshop today,  I was hit with a few doses of the good old IS. 

I'm not part of a large organization like my fellow invitees from India.  Large organizations invariably come with pedigree, funds, students, impact and stability.  I have to fight the feeling of being unable to compete with them at any level.  

One of the more senior Indian professors made a statement like,  "well, you should keep more updated on what is happening with the current trends in your own country, instead of talking about some old information.. India is moving fast a lot" in a very cutting sort of voice... this was about the fact that a particular program on field epidemiology training had expanded it's scope from human public health professionals to include veterinary epidemiologists,  food safety officers,  and forestry department officials.  I did not know this and had made a comment on how the Danish system of using food safety as a link between human and animal departments both made perfectly intuitive sense and was novel.  

My first instinct after hearing this was to shrivel a bit inside...I have heard such statements many, many times from many, many people throughout my life. Usually it happens when I'm being very proactive and engaged,  asking questions etc and it invariably shuts me up..I become extremely self- conscious and wonder if I've been blathering too much and become very subdued.  

Today,  I realized that shriveling was about to begin and I aggressively stopped it.  I have no reason to get subdued,  I have every right to speak up and honestly,  who on the world knows everything? And maybe he didn't even mean it in an oppressive sort of way- maybe it was just me,  assuming things. 

Later, he made comments about a dengue program that they were doing,  which was very similar to what I am, and seems a hundred times better.  

My psyche needs a bit of a shaking up... I am here to learn and to grow. These are opportunites. People have recognised my value and have invited me.  My husband has started using my company's name as his home institute for all the amazing work that he is doing, and he's definitely not the nepotism- types and is very very careful about what he formally associates himself with.  I too have an organization and it's something that I have built with my own sweat and tears.  So, why should I discount that?

With all these going for me,  what in the world am I so scared about? Where is the imposter syndrome coming from? 

I will end this entry here with a stern reminder to myself that I'm not here to win students, accolades or money.  I'm here to deeply engage and pursue everything that catches my fairly broad and inquisitive interest.  I'm grateful that I'm here and that I'm unburdened by so many obstacles that others face and am privileged to have been given this opportunity- not just this  workshop, but even to just come to a different country and hang out by myself.  

Gratitude for my first few days in Copenhagen

 Day 3 (Dec 4)

Before I start forgetting all the things I am doing, thought it best to quickly pen down my experiences so far.

Before travel: 

I knew very little about the city (or the country, for that matter) before... I think I used to be quite confused between Denmark and Holland- Danish and Dutch are a bit similar-sounding. Then, when I realised they were different, also realised that everything I know about this region is either based on stories about Holland, Sweden, or Iceland (the last, thanks to a brilliant romance novel called Beautiful Wreck by Larissa Brown). What are Danes known for? Not like the enthu-pataki Dutch, Danes are not particularly known for humanitarian efforts, science, emigration (though, did I maybe confuse Danish researchers at Pitt for Dutch? No... I feel fairly certain those guys were Dutch) or cricket. What do Danes do? 

I asked my uncle, who had worked at Danida, the Danish embassy in India. He had been their lead strategist and researcher in something related to water and agriculture. He didn't have much to say about them, other than the fact that they were rather quiet (work-wise) compared to the Dutch or the Swedes. I asked my cousin Audi, who has traveled extensively in Europe, and no, he hadn't made a stop in Denmark ever. While chatting with Rk, we recalled Hans Christian Andersen (Danish! Not Dutch!) and I recalled a story about a kid who sticks a finger in a dyke to stop the water from a sea to enter a village (but this was based out of a village in Holland, not Denmark... jeez...also untrue) . 

RK found a book called "Copenhagen Tales" to gift me, which had some interesting stories, mostly about winter and problems with immigrants, which are both depressing topics. 

A few days before leaving for Cph, I was second guessing the whole trip. There were so many seminars, conferences and other interesting events happening in Bangalore during that time! Then in a fit of wisdom, birthed from too much work, and incessant work at that, realised this trip would be a godsend to me to recuperate from overwork. I thought I would check out the Uni of Cph's library and spend some time reading, walking, cycling and just relaxing. This was enormously cheering and so when I boarded the plane in Bangalore, I was quite happy again.

Durga and Ani asked me what I would get them. I offered them cheese, which is a Danish speciality from what I can tell online. Durga didn't seem too excited though. Ah well.

Day 1:

Landed in Cph on the evening of the 1st. I had packed rather well- had pushed all the thick winter clothes into a small backpack which had been checked in, so I wasn't lugging around unnecessary weight everywhere. So as soon as I landed, checked up how to get to the hotel (I dislike taxis and was hoping for public transport, which I got!), got my baggage, wore all my winter things and boarded the metro, whose ticket I bought from an online app- no money changing, thank God. Reached my little capsule hotel in good time. My hosts in Denmark, at the Uni of Cph, will take care of my hotel when the workshop starts next week, but this week is on me, and I think I hit the jackpot with CityHub, a capsule hotel which provides more privacy than a hostel/ dorm, but manages to be congenial and provides more opportunities for interactions than regular hotels. Plus, capsule hotels! Who wouldn't want to try out something like that!

Entrance to my capsule

My capsule is very cute. I was quite concerned about noise- what if my speaking on the phone would disturb the ppl above me, what if they (a fairly young couple I had glimpsed while getting into mine) decided to have sex, what if I farted, and so on and so forth... My mind was buzzing with questions related to noise. In most of the hotels in India that I have stayed in, walls and doors are thin and people are noisy.

But it was silent as a tomb... I was the noisiest, despite my efforts to be absolutely silent, with my steel dabba (in true Indian maami style, I had packed some laddus and mixture in case I got peckish) dropping on the floor and making that tan-tan-tan-tatatan- sound of all steel dabbas hitting the ground. Made me wonder- are people in Europe extremely quiet? Or was it just Denmark - like Japan, do they also have a culture of exceeding reservation and silence? Or was it some kind of engineering marvel- this place had young people, for crying out loud! Young people everywhere make noise!

[found out later- it is an engineering marvel: they have noise and vibration canceling materials making up the hubs]

Day 2:

Woke up at 5:30am local time and checked out the bathrooms- ultra clean. Tiny, but really well-designed. Didn't hit my elbows or shoulders against the walls at any point of time, as I thought I might while looking at it from outside. Also, they provide moisturising lotion right next to the soap. A relief, because this place is dry!

I peeked at the communal kitchen- has a sandwich grill, microwaves, fridges for people to keep their food inside boxes labeled with their names and room numbers, and a load of knives, and cardboard cutlery. One lesson from my Frankfurt trip last year: supermarkets have great food, so instead of rushing to a restaurant first thing in the morning, one should just plan things out a bit and save a load on food. 

I had been desperate to get some birdwatching and nature-time in Bangalore during the last month, to absolutely no avail. So the first thing I did was to find out the address of the nearest park (1.2km) away and headed there with my binos. I ended up there a bit too early- got there by 7, whereas sunrise wasn't until 8. But, on my way, had the rather awe-inspiring sight of dozens and dozens of people cycling to work- young people, old people, people with large things to carry in prams or little trucks in front of their bikes, parents with older kids, younger kids, babies, you name it. And a rather impressive number of runners. I don't think I have ever seen that many cyclists on a road as part of daily life, not just because of a special event like a cycle-marathon or something.

As expected, most trees do not have leaves, but I had forgotten about the stark beauty of a bare tree trunk with its twiggy limbs. 

I think this might be Gingko

People at the entrance of the park were making an ice-skating rink ready.  And once I entered, lots and lots of people with babies or dogs, runners, lots of elderly people briskly walking and hailing each other. Quite a nice feeling. People aren't immediately friendly, unlike Americans, who go around greeting everyone. But perfectly willing to engage in conversation. Not seeing too many non-Caucasians. 

Readying an iceskating rink 

Birds seen (which I could identify... some which I haven't yet been able to)

1. Great tit

2. Jackdaws

3. Magpies

4. Mallards

5. Treecreeper

6. Gulls

7. Feral doves

8. Raven

Treecreeper

Came back to the hub feeling like I should plan for breakfast, but not willing to eat yet. Decided to go shopping and found a supermarket about a km away. Long story short, check out my breakfast:

Granola with yoghurt and fresh fruits

Grilled rye bread with havarti cheese

Amazing or what? I spent the same amount for at least 5 breakfasts as I would have in one sitting had I gone out!

Apparently Mondays are holidays for most public attractions in Cph. So, I went out to explore the city. Am amazed at how historical this place is.

Amalienborg, the seat of the Danish royal family

 

Marmokirken church in the distance

People like to sit outside and hang out and eat and drink- despite the cold!

 

Came across a number of Christmas markets- open air marts outside at street corners by vendors selling home-made or small scale industry products. Lovely, but rather on the expensive side. Might get some unusual gifting ideas though, so will check out later.

Day 3: Inspired by the number of people running on the streets, I did too! Covered over 4km in about 33m. Felt incredibly proud of myself. Wanted to try out the sauna at the Hub right after, but alas, couldn't figure it out. 

Have found 2 special places to meditate and relax in the afternoons- yesterday, I accidentally found the Marmokirken Church: it looked big and imposing and warm. 

A quiet place where one could just sit down and stare into space. I did so, had a lovely little nap- one of those refreshing ones where your brain goes blank but you aren't really asleep. 

Another place I found today was at the Botanical Gardens, under a giant tree, right after a massive sequoia.

The Botanical Gardens are not a great place for birds, but have been designed such that you can go on unexpected stairs, steps and mossy pathways and find yourself a nice bench and stare at trees and plants.

At the end of one such slope, I found a bench facing this utter beauty of a tree trunk:

The tree itself is massive, goes up many feet above. By resting my neck on the back of the bench, I could see all the way up. I stayed like that for many minutes, staring at the sheer magnificence of this creature. And entered that close-but-not-really-napping headspace. And felt deep peace. A niggling headache that had been troubling me since the previous night disappeared and I just sat. 

I have to say, my opinion of Cph is rapidly improving and I am beginning to appreciate its tranquility. 

Today is day 4. I've not really gone out yet. Woke up for an early morning meeting with folks in India and have been at the laptop since then. I think that's ok though... will figure out what I feel like doing in a bit.

Unrealistic covers

 My laptop refuses to reconnect to the internet in case I spend too long with it inactive (like when I am typing). So I listen to music on Youtube on a side tab so that the net is forced to be active. Thus in the past month I have listened to a lot of instrumental music because it can run along in the background without being too distracting. 

One of the best instrumental things for working are the songs from Bridgerton- familiar pop music converted to very recognizable instrumental versions of themselves. But I laugh at the covers of these videos... take this example:

Half naked lady in the snow. On one hand, very romance novel inspired- half naked ladies who are swooning, running, posing, dreamily staring into space in the middle of a snow-ridden landscape, while a manor/castle/cosy cottage/ranch/ even a spaceship (!) are just visible in the background are innumerable. 

I wouldn't be surprised if the above lady has a full set of flesh-colored thermals on the other side of the shimmery night gown. 

Japanese Death Poems

 I have decreed today to be a day of relaxation. Which means, I will only do the things that give me joy and peace. These past few weeks have been a bit sparse in such moments- too much time spent on things that I need to be doing, instead of wanting to do.

Japanese Death Poems is making me think of how death has been approached by different cultures since time immemorial. There was some science documentary on TV some months ago talking about the earliest evidences in human history when death became something to be commemorated-  a little handmade toy next to the grave of a child found in a cave, the site many thousands of years old, even before Homo sapiens became the predominant sub-species on earth.

I don't know much about Indian thinking of death, other than the well-known lines from the Gita speaking about the unchanging, divine soul changing bodies like it changes clothes. Of course, since reincarnation is something most of us believe in (what a reassuring thought to know that one has multiple chances at getting life right! Though of course, what is right or what is wrong?), death implicitly becomes a part of this cyclical nature of existence.

In the Japanese Death Poems book, I am learning about the Japanese (and a bit of Chinese, since there was such a lot of influence of the culture of latter on the former) thinking on life and death. Poems, apparently, are a very common feature of Japanese life, with everybody regardless of social or economic or even educational class expressing themselves in poetry featuring their every day lives, their love for nature, loyalty to emperor etc for thousands of years. Hard to imagine the manga-consuming stereotypes of Japanese shows as poets, no? But as per this book, they are! 

And death was something to be looked at in the eye- in fact, the norm is for the Japanese, at the time of their death, to write their final thoughts as a "death poem". In this book, the author has collected the death poems of everyday Japanese, monks, samurai warriors and others from over a thousand years and translated them. How amazing and surprising is that! 

Read this one by a Zen monk using the metaphor of archery to describe his impending death:

Inhale, exhale

Forward, back

Living, dying:

Arrows, let flown each to each

Meet midway and slice

The void in aimless flight-

Thus I return to the source.

- Gesshu Soko (died 1696)

Here is a poem by someone who was famously arrogant:

Till now I thought

that death befell

the untalented alone.

If those with talent, too, 

must die

surely they make 

a better manure?

- Kyoriku (1656-1715) 

There are poems mocking death poems, especially of those who wrote the poems and then instead of dying, recovered:

After recovery, he polishes
the style of his death poem

The mouth that has uttered
a death poem
now devours porridge

There is something very novel and attractive in the idea of penning something about death before one dies. I don't think I have ever heard the like in any other culture. My mom wouldn't have had the chance, but I wonder what might my grandmother or father or uncles have said before they passed away? 

A deep breath

 The first day in nearly 4 months where I have some time to breathe and feel like the interminable to-do list can keep for tomorrow.

Went to Blossoms and got myself a book "Japanese Death Poems"... sounds morbid, but so far, very peaceful and peace-giving.

For the first time in 10 years I recently felt the desire to leave India for nicer climes- somewhere I don't have to worry about cockroaches, bed bugs, mosquitoes or lice (the newest entrant on my hit list of bugs). Our house has recently been overrun with all these and I feel like just when I have gotten the better of one of them, the next one comes in. Doesn't seem to matter how much I clean the kitchen every day and spray all sorts of herbal and non-herbal things everywhere. The lice, of course, are a curse of Indian schools everywhere- every house with a school-going daughter probably has to contend with these pests. The cockroaches are apparently due to the connection with the sewage- they crawl up and enter the house and then, of course, you are done for.

I must not waste this precious time on such inane matters. It is time to eat and then relax with my book of poetry. Felt the need to write something in this blog after a long time though... 

The Best Romance Novel I Have Ever Read. Hands Down

 Is not even a novel.

It's a fanfic that is perfect- takes off from the original, makes you understand the original so much better and creates a totally believable, swoony, yearny alternate story.

I present to you "Draco Malfoy and the Mortifying Ordeal of Being in Love"

It's free. I wish I were reading it for the first time again.

Why can't every book be so good?

Attempts at getting inner angst out.

Compassion is like

Charity-begins at home

In and to oneself.

But none mention that

Compassion to oneself is 

The hardest of all

Insecurity

Is an ever renewing,

Never-dying weed

Insecurity

Engulfs kindness and spits up

Pure self-vitriol 

Let go, let go, of

The urge to cut myself with

Knife-like, blade sharp words

Let go, let go, of

The need to defend, or 

Attempt to "Improve"

My inner core's steel

My outer self forgets and

Yearns for better frills 

A better me is

Just me, as I am now.

Accept, embrace me. 

Be still, my mind and

Allow the kindness to flow through

To heal and strengthen.

The Bird Crescendo

 At special times, usually in the early mornings, bird and bird sounds will suddenly come together in a rousing crescendo. Usually they aggregate around one tree or a clump of trees and chirp/screech/chirp all at the same time. If you happen to be around that area, you will suddenly see many species of birds zooming all around you, you will be in the center of that avian vortex. Your breath will catch and you will stand utterly still. It lasts for a few minutes, then one flock after an another suddenly fly away en masse to another tree. And it all disappears as quickly as it started. But you, in the middle of that maelstrom, can only blink and wonder what happened. And you feel blessed to have been part of that event, whatever it was. 

I have experienced this only twice in my life and the first time was through a glass pane. The window of my hotel room in Gangtok overlooked a giant tree and at 7am in the morning, a few thousand warblers of all kinds descended on that tree. This was in February, the tree was leafless but the birds on it made it seem alive and I could hear their sounds through the glass. I was a few feet away, but felt overwhelmed by it all- the colors, the movement, the sounds, the sameness and yet the vast differences. I desperately wanted to get my binoculars and at the same time, didn't want to move in case I missed something. So I stood transfixed and still. 

The second time was on the balcony of Vidya Bhavan Rural Inst a few weeks ago in Udaipur. I had finished a short run, washed my clothes and had climbed up the building to dry them under a gulmohar tree. And all of a sudden was surrounded by parakeets, doves, hornbills, sunbirds and ioras. It was a stunning sight- the clear cloudless blue of the sky, the bright green leaves and even brighter orange flowers of the gulmohar, the parakeet greens, the hornbill greys and the small metallic punctuation marks of the sunbirds and the eye catching yellows of the ioras. 

For me, birdwatching is like meditation. And the experience of the crescendo is as euphoric as any meditative trance. 

A milestone

 Today, I submitted my first ICMR grant. To me, it feels like an enormous milestone that should be marked in some way. I had immersed myself in it for weeks... working on it a bit at a time until two days ago when I pulled a couple of all-nighters and finished it up and submitted it this morning, a few hours before the deadline. 

Why do I feel this sense of accomplishment? I may not get the grant (though I certainly hope I do), and this is not the first grant I have written.. what is so great about this one? Perhaps it is because ICMR is the Indian equivalent of the NIH and the grant I wrote is like the R01- a large, complex beast with expectations of depth of theoretical knowledge, technical expertise, practical wisdom and broad research experience. All the grants I have written and won thus far have been smaller: short, innovative, gives you money to tinker and flash but does not give you the sense of putting down roots. 

The grant I wrote was also different in another significant way: it was not a discovery project in fields I have received traditional training in, not a business innovation pitch which is something I have learned to do in the past few years, but in a field that I have long yearned to enter but felt like I could never crack:  in public health implementation. 

A decade after leaving academia, I submitted a grant to the pinnacle of Indian academic research organizations. I feel good about it.  

Do I feel good because I want to be thought of as an academic research scientist? 

I think not. Just look at the richness of my life:

During this decade, I have gained experience in so many things. I have learned to stand only on my feet, with no organization and no institutional structure to protect me, no expectation of a predictable salary and no automatic legacy of authority. I have built my networks from scratch, I have stumbled and fallen and clambered up; I have starved, struggled with insecurity and feared; I have brought on people, trained them and let them go. I have built my reputation as someone cheerful, energetic, endlessly optimistic and ever-willing to befriend, be helpful and collaborate. I hope I also have built a reputation for integrity and transparency. These are not things that I have inherited from old mentors or from institutional pedigrees. These are values I cultivated after deep questioning and practiced even when it may not always have been easy. 

Would I have been able to do all this in the protected surroundings of an academic institute? I like to think I would not.

I feel a bit battered and bruised. But I feel stable, like I have put down roots. I know that things that would have swayed and shaken me a decade ago do not faze me as much anymore. I know that there is no ideal world, but only the serenity and confidence we build for ourselves. I remember my father like that- as someone who faced the world with the confidence that he had seen things that scared him but faced them anyway. And as someone who knew what he stood for and was like a tree-solid, stable and strong.  

It's funny that an ICMR grant makes me think of him. But perhaps it is the knowledge that I have come really far and maybe that much closer to him. 

I want to highlight what I read recently in a book called "All About Love- A New Vision" by bell hooks. She shared the definition of love that made most sense to her: Love is anything that leads to your or another's spiritual growth.

Let me spend the next decades living this- let me love my children, husband and family such that they feel enabled in their spiritual growth. Let me grow in mine. And if my spiritual growth includes a component of grant writing that induces such a deep sense of wonder, gratitude and peace, then let me acknowledge and embrace that.

Anticipation

What is it about the quality of silence after you zap a mosquito that's been buzzing around near your ear? 

It is like the waiting void... like the ghost of that mosquito is going to appear and start buzzing again. 

Sudoku and my PhD thesis

 Recently I had an epiphany about Sudoku. 

As a novice or even a competent player,  I used to focus on individual cells.  If a cell can have 9 different possibilities for its identity at the beginning of the game,  the challenge is to reduce the number of possibilities for each cell to exactly 1 (ideal), 2(solvable), 3 and above (may not be useful). 

The whole reasoning is deductive and reductive- bringing down the number of possibilities through logic. This works well for Easy or Moderate levels. But in advanced Sudoku puzzles mere deductive logic does not enable you to solve the puzzle. For these, you can get up to a certain point with deductive logic, but then, will get stuck. This is the time when you have to zoom out. You can no longer focus on individual cells, but the puzzle as a whole.

This is where the tricks of the Phistomefel ring and Y/X wings come into play. The only way one can even think about using them is when one takes a whole-puzzle approach, inductive approach of building up based on the deduced possibilities. The switch in thinking has to happen at a particular time from deductive to inducive logic.

I realized that this was my failing in my PhD thesis and really, in understanding the field of Immunology as a whole. I could never understand why cellular biochemistry when algorithm-ed in neat flow charts didn't actually work the way you expect them to work in real life, when you have live cell cultures, live infections and a mixed population of cells. There is a deductive logic that one needed to use to minimize the possibilities of the biochemical reactions and reduce that to 1 process with multiple components. Then we have to realize that just because CD8 T cells play a particular known role does not mean that that would be the only role they would play in real life, with evolving parameters and variable interactions with other cells- for predicting how such a cell would respond to such diverse stimuli, an inductive logic is needed.

Inductive logic is not typically taught to Immunologists or indeed, biomedical trainee scientists or graduate students. But this switch between deductive and inductive was probably what was missing in my PhD years and why I struggled to make consistent sense of the information the world was throwing at me.

     

Windfall

 One person's petty change is another person's windfall... 

Or maybe it's the same person at different points of time. 

Sometime in 2022, I had barely any money in my bank account...a couple of hundred rupees... and the company account wasn't faring too much better,  I think...I had earmarked funds for salaries and didn't want to touch that amount for drawing an advance or something. 

I had sufficient funds in my metro card so could travel around, and had access to good food at home (and knew that if push came to shove,  i could always ask the man to transfer some moolah to my account,  but wasn't ready to do that yet) so I wasn't suffering by any means but the pressure of my nearly empty account was on my mind.  

And all of a sudden,  I got a notification that some 2000 rupees had been deposited into my account as an honorarium for some talk I had given.  My heart leapt in joy.  Such bliss, such gratitude and such warmth towards the world!

I think the biggest thing I have learned from my experience with entrepreneurship is to never take money for granted, and, simultaneously,  never to get too attached to it.  

Lazy Saturday

 Sometimes, it is nice, fuzzy and essential to forget about the never-ending to-do list of life, sit in a comfortable chair lit by the morning sun, watch insects fly around lazily and let one's mind wander.

This week has been busy with household related duties. My in-laws are here inviting people for my BIL's upcoming wedding. Naturally, this means that I cannot buy cereal and then tell the kids to take care of their own breakfast but that I have to cook, clean, do laundry and keep the house kind of clean. This takes a lot of effort and planning and I am rather amazed at myself for having done this reasonably well. But I am also really tired and ready to go back to my slothful ways. Too much efficiency and productivity are not good for one's mental health.

I decided to expand my thinking and brain this month and read about stuff that might normally makes me uncomfortable. As part of this, I am reading a book on polyamory:

As anyone who knows me can attest: I am the Undisputed Devourer of heteronormal romance novels.
I started reading LGBTQ romance when one of my favorite authors, Courtney Milan, wrote a MM romance novella in an anthology called Hamilton's Battalion and I adored it- it was outright the best story in the entire book. And after that, I discovered many other writers whom I enjoy reading and who write about MM or FF romance: KJ Charles, Cat Sebastien, Alexis Hall and more. One of the best books I read last year was "A Rake of His Own" by AJ Lancaster (the protagonist is a gardener).  Also, nowadays, even in regular, non-romance SciFi/Fantasy books, homosexuality or bisexuality has become very normalized and so one reads it, accepts it and moves on to the rest of the story- it hardly warrants more than a mention. 

But the one basic aspect that all these have in common is that they all have one couple- one human (or near-human, depending on what genre you read) having  an emotional and intimate connection with another single, sole, one human.  I did not realize just how completely I believe in and how strongly my entire foundation of life rested on the one person-loves-and-marries-one-other-person dogma until I came across this book called "More than Two". More than Two talks about the possibility of one person loving many people who may love many other people. Honestly, the first paragraph of the first chapter made me deeply uncomfortable: the authors describe how a guy works, goes home to his wife, who has her boyfriend who lives with them, and how the guy and the boyfriend hang out and are friendly and once in a while the boyfriend brings home his other girlfriend and they are all friends. 

And more stories like this.

I am just like, what?? How does this even work? Do these guys actually get anything productive done in their lives or do they just keep on working on all their emotional and communication issues?  WHY would anyone want to complicate their lives this much? Just the dynamics of this makes me terribly goggle-eyed and almost anxious.... having two people get along together and reach a state of relative contentment and happiness is hard enough... now you want to add a few more? Jeez.

I have progressed to about mid-book now and the more I read it, the more I realize that the principles given in the book are actually quite universal: communication, acceptance of one's emotions, identification of fear, realizing one's triggers. And it is making me reflect and question and think. 

So my realization about myself: I may state, that as a biologist, I think that monogamy is an unnatural state- it makes no sense. Our own ancestors, the primates, do not engage in monogamy. Neither do most species in the world, even those that are considered to be monogamous (like Sarus cranes, for example).

But as a human living in our current society, I am so deeply attached to the idea of monogamy or serial mono-amory that I was finding myself utterly discomforted by the book. So, perhaps I am a bit of a hypocrite... , but maybe there is hope in me since I am sticking with the book, despite all this discomfort, and am realizing there is more in common with my version of hetero-monogamy than I had previously realized.

Also realizing that maybe I am a naturally monogamous person who does not feel the need for multiple loves. And  this does go against my biologist brain. But a good part of me is quite relieved to realize that this is also ok. And that some people may feel the need for multiple loves and emotional connections and that is....hmm... that is also ok. It may not be me, but it doesn't mean that it is wrong. And presumably such people thrive on complicating their lives and maybe it just feels complicated to me, but not to them. 

My New Year's resolution to read books that make me question myself and grow is clearly working well... almost too well, one might say.

I think after this, I might pick up a book on caste, another topic that discomforts me greatly.

But before that, I quickly downloaded Ali Hazelwood's Check and Mate, a standard boy-girl romance which is funny and sexy and it's like drinking a large glass of cool water on a hot day. So refreshingly straightforward and predictable. Phew.