Overcoming my driving-phobia

It took me an eon to start driving in the US. Most people come from India, check out the empty, vast roads, their eyes light up and they quickly purchase a car and zip along here, there and everywhere. Me, because I have issues, decided I would be the stick in the mud who uses public transport everywhere.
I can assure you, nobody I know has used Grey Hound and Amtrak as much as I have... and memorable experiences they were too! How much of a story can you tell with the statement "I drove my car to Buffalo, NY?" But when you take a Grey Hound, there's a whole world to describe right there. "The driver lost his way, we ended up in Cleveland! And it was 2am, and the guy next to me was traveling to meet his incarcerated girlfriend who had just given birth to their daughter in jail!"
Come on- can there even be a comparison to the experiences? Grey Hound rules!

Anyway, after being bitten by the car-bug in my last year in the US (only because I was getting tired of lugging around two kids by bus to soccer and parks and all the things that "good"moms do), finally bought a little 3rd-hand Toyota, which I had to sell within a year because of our move back to India.

In India though, I decided I would drive. Got my license much before RK (hah!) and in fact, was a pretty good driver. The secret to driving in India (or Bangalore, at least. I cannot claim to have driven elsewhere) is to tell yourself a little mantra before you begin driving: I will not hit another person or a vehicle. I will remain unfazed no matter what.
You will be fine if you remind yourself of this every time you start driving.

Soon after we bought a car, RK's work load increased in multiple different places and of course he, being a car hog, started using it pretty exclusively. Compared to the US, India is like public transport- haven. Plenty of buses and auto rickshaws; and even the metro. You can even rent bikes, cycles- anything you want. Not that one would EVER want to rent a cycle and ride it on an Indian road, but still, it's nice that options exist.

More than a year after RK started exclusively using the car, I suddenly had a fear: what if all the work I put in to learn how to drive in India had completely rusted away and I wouldn't be able to drive at all? Isn't driving an essential skill that everyone should know and use?

So one day, when RK had taken the metro, I pulled the car out of its parking spot by the curb and went for a drive. Indian cars are stick-shifts; plus, on many roads, it's impossible to drive beyond the 2nd gear because of the traffic. Add a steep uphill; multiple traffic lights; pedestrians, cows and dogs crossing wherever they want and it can be a bit scary. I did stall a couple of times, mostly because I had forgotten that when one is in the first gear, one has to let the car roll a bit before gunning the accelerator.
At the end of my hour of driving, I felt:
a) Exhausted. My thighs and foot joint (is it called talus?) were screaming in pain and I had to hobble out of the car, much like people unused to horse riding might have done a century ago.Stick shifts are hard when you are constantly shifting or holding a car in place waiting for the traffic to clear a few inches.
b) Mildly happy that I could still drive without completely panicking.
c) Slightly panicky about the amount of time I had wasted just driving around a couple of blocks near my home.

So, sum total of the experience: mostly negative.

I can drive, hurray.  But heck, why would I want to?

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is something I heard more than a decade ago but only now am realizing how much I need.

What does mindful even mean? To me, it means being aware of what you are doing or saying and how you are doing or saying it, and why you are doing or saying it. You recall Polonius' words to his son? 

"...give thy thoughts no tongue

Nor any unproportioned thought, his act"

..

"Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;

Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement"

(Hamlet)

This captures the essence of mindfulness, I think.

 Needless to say, I've found it incredibly difficult to be mindful... 

There are obviously good days and bad. I realize that I recall the bad days, but I don't really celebrate the good ones. 

But I also realize that I have no role model. The great saints or sages whose images instantly come to mind when one thinks about mindfulness are not working women with jobs and kids and other obligations. In fact, each of those great mindful souls rejected women, family life and well, work.

I don't claim to understand a fraction of the enlightenment that Buddha attained, but come on, he obviously had to leave behind everything and everyone he knew to attain it.

However, a recent story about the Buddha reassured me like nothing else: Buddha and his faithful devotee Ananda were walking along the side of a river. Buddha is deep in conversation with Ananda. A fly sits on his arm and he swats it. A moment later, Ananda notices Buddha repeating that same movement (of swatting the fly) again, although there is no fly. He asks Him, "Why do you do that?"
Buddha replies, "When I first swatted it, I did it unthinkingly. The second time I moved my hand, I did it to remind myself to do so mindfully"

So. I guess even the great saints and wise men who relinquish society and all its claims on them need to practice!

This story put me in a very optimistic frame of mind and honestly, I could start looking at Buddha as a decent role model for mindfulness.
However, for a more immediate, day-to-day role model, I signed up for the Art of Living's 3 day course on Sudarshan Kriya. I have been quite dismissive of AoL before. But I feel the need for frequent reminders to be mindful. Hence the signing up.

My objective is just one- let me learn how to be mindful.

By this I specifically mean:

 a) Let me not lose my temper with my kids and family; 

b) Let me not promise things without understanding the full implications of it; 

c) Let me recognize situations that can turn explosive and prevent them.

I am hoping to find role models- other working women and men who have similar stresses and obligations that I do and who still manage to juggle them really well, without getting stressed, without losing their control or their cool.

And writing this has also made me realize that I should celebrate my little successes. Maybe I need to keep a journal, though knowing me, I'll probably lose the journal within a couple of days; so maybe I need to type up stuff on my phone to keep tally on all the occasions I could have lost my temper, but did not.

Expertise

Am attending the HIV Update CME at St. Martha's.
For one of the first times in my life, I'm understanding the importance of sticking something out- of picking a field and continuing with it, growing in it for years and years.
I always prided myself on being a Jack of all trades; now I want to become a Master of something.

Maybe it is because I never before felt that I either had a future in a particular geographical place or a field of study. India has given me both. It's an unexpectedly inspiring and empowering feeling

Philosophy with the Kids

Durga and Ani go to the same school. Durga goes to Nursery and Ani goes to 1st std. He has tests and homework and all the rigmarole that goes hand in hand with school. She has play time and story time. Needless to say, Durga desperately, DESPERATELY wants to be in 1st std.

This is the context of the conversation overhead between them, paraphrased below to the best of my abilities. It is equally amusing, fascinating and a bit horrifying.

D: Ani, I want to be in 1st std. And also, I want you to be in Nursery.
A: Durga, I was 3 when you were still a baby. Even when you come to 1st std, I'll already be in 4th.
D: But I want to be in 1st!
A (the quintessential problem-solver): So, for that to happen, first we have to die, then maybe you will come back before me, then you will be older and I will be younger.
D: Oh. So can I die tomorrow?
A: And even then, your mummy may not be the same as mine. We may not even have the same mummy as we have now.
D: So can I die tomorrow?
A: No. First you have to grow big, and live up to a 100 years old. Then I will die, and then you will. See, right now, small Ajji [that's my grand mom who lives with us] is 90 years old. So you also have to live till then, then when you are 101 you can die.
D: So I can't go to 1st std tomorrow?
A: No. Anyway, you don't even know your numbers yet. And you can't even write your own name.

Savan Durga

Wildflowers lining muddy paths to the Savan Durga foothills

We went to the Savan Durga hillock some weeks back. SD is supposed to be the largest granite monolith in South Asia. RK has been traveling there from the time he was a child because there's a temple to Narasimha,  who is the family deity on his mother's side. Even just 40-50 years ago, you could only reach the place by a bullock cart trip that lasted a few days, while praying that tigers didn't try to leap on you.

The tigers are non-existent now, and the forests severely cut back. But the place still retains a rural, isolated air, despite the concrete roads and the large number of shiny cars racing up and down.

We went there for hiking and birding. I thought the monolith would be great fun to climb, having some memories of traveling there soon after my wedding, and trying to climb the rock in my pattu padavai (silk saree). I was sure the kids would love it.

However, some earlier this year, some love-lorn couple committed suicide by throwing themselves off the rock and since then, all hiking and trekking activities around the monolith have been suspended. In a way, it's a good thing- fewer cars, small amounts of trash, fewer people. Not good for the local economy, of course.

But fortune favors the bold and we found many treasures in the foothill forests, crumbling walls of long lost temples and the smaller rocks scattered at the foot of the monolith.

Location of Savan Durga

Ani enjoying the monolith from his vantage point

Interspersed between the rocky facades are grassy niches like this one, fed by hidden rain water streams. They form the home for many small animals and pastures for grazing goats. 

Inside that thick crop of trees lining the foot of the monolith live a multitude of spectacular birds, including those that are found nowhere else on the planet. 

On the road to SD itself are lots of beautiful birds, but of course, given the traffic, it is hard to stand in one place and view them. Among the birds we saw on the way to SD were the coppersmith barbet (barbets are birds that I have not seen in the US. These are about the size of a myna, but green in color, quite difficult to distinguish within the foliage of the trees they usually hang about in. If you have spent any time at all in an urban park in India, I can assure you that you would have heard a barbet many many times). The coppersmith barbet leaps into view when it shows you its head. The rest of the body blends into its leafy surroundings perfectly, but stare into the tree long enough and there! You'll see a flash of red and yellow, gone before you can process it.
Another bird we noticed was the crow pheasant, also a very common denizen of urban parks. Check out the devilish eyes!

Crow pheasant or the Greater Coucal.
It's crow! It's an upside-down myna!
No! Itttt's crow pheasant! 

Coppersmith barbet. Pic from
 http://www.besgroup.org/2009/05/08/nesting-of-the-coppersmith-barbet/

The Yellow Throated Bulbul: on the endangered species list. Seen in Savan Durga.
Picture from http://orientalbirdimages.org/images/data/ytb.jpg

A couple more birds I have never seen before:

The tawny bellied babbler.
Pic from:
http://www.flickriver.com/photos/tags/tawnybelliedbabbler/

The Small Minivet- look at those colors!
Pic from : http://www.birds.iitk.ac.in/wiki/small-minivet

List of birds, insects and animals seen at Savan Durga:

Crow pheasant

Coppersmith (crimson throated barbette)

Yellow throated bulbul

Red whiskered bulbul

Red vented bulbul

Indian make robin

Pied bushchat

Sparrow hawk

Babbler?

Tawny bellied babbler

Kingfisher 

Small minivet 

Sunbird: purple and purple rumped

Malcoha 

White eye

Jungle crow

Jungle mynah

Indian mynah

Brahmini starling

Monkeys

Three striped squirrel 

White cheeked barbette 

Snails and water skaters

Fish

Mongoose 

Mosquitoes 

Ashy prinia 

Ladybird 

Cows

Bulls

Horse

Caterpillar

Water skaters

Durga atop a tree

Ani and RK atop a rock

An old pond by an older temple

Watching the antics of water skaters

All in all, a beautiful day in a beautiful place!

Time and Life

We live longer today than ever before in human history.

Yet why is it that we feel we have less time to do anything? Why do we push our kids into school at earlier and earlier stages, why do we prod them into achieving various milestones at a younger age? What are we in such a hurry for?

Memorable Patient Encounters 2

There are good days and not-so-great days. Last month, I got a bit of a shock when two of the mothers I had counseled admitted their kids to the Neonatal ICU (NICU) for dehydration, hyperbilirubinemia and excessive weight loss. Of course, all these are direct causes of inadequate breastfeeding.

I had seen one of them once briefly and the second one, about whom this post is about, I had counseled extensively and multiple times, along with her whole family. To say that I was dismayed to see her in the NICU with a sick baby would be an understatement.

Sometimes issues with language, understanding, culture etc are vast, or they seem so. This lady came from a very poor family. That per se doesn't mean anything. Intelligent, capable women are found everywhere, regardless of their family situation.The language of communication was Hindi, not my strong point; the differences in education, financial situation, family stability etc were of course clearly present. But these I have been able to overcome before, but somehow was not able to do so in this case. There was no rapport. Usually, if I find it difficult to communicate with the patient, I turn to her mother since she will be the one who's helping the new mom. Speaking to this patient's mom was just as difficult. There was a brother as well, and he was actually easier to talk to. Very interested in his sister's ability to breastfeed and the suckling ability of the baby. Usually when a male family member interests himself in the breastfeeding process, it's the father of the new mother or the father of the baby. Having a brother so keenly asking questions was surprising, but who am I to judge? I actually was grateful that someone in the family seemed to understand and respond to what I was saying. Many times I wondered if I was getting through to them, despite the head nods and the smiles, but then I dismissed my concerns, assuming that everything would be fine. She had an inverted nipple, but was feeding the baby through a nipple shield. She seemed comfortable, the baby appeared to be feeding well, was peeing well and there was a slight weight gain by the time she and the kid were discharged.

And then of course, a week later, she turned up with her little baby to the NICU.

Anyway, counseled her again in the NICU; she was defensive, not willing to think that there was a problem; and then all of a sudden, burst into tears about her father... she sobbed and spoke through her tears. I was unable to understand if her father had recently died or had abandoned them, or if all these events were in the past which she was still grieving over. At the back of my mind were all these questions: where was her husband? What was the brother's role? What was going on?!
Very confusing. And it happened right in the middle of the NICU; all the sisters stopped, stared, exchanged bemused glances, whispered among themselves and I was trying to console this lady and was wondering what I had said that set her off.

After some time, and a lot of coaxing and fake cheerful-talking, things returned to normal, or as normal as they could get. Turned out she wasn't eating properly- they were keeping her on rice and dal because she had had a cesarean section (were they punishing her or were they simply misinformed? Usually maternal diet after childbirth forms a pretty key part of my standard spiel... did I somehow miss talking about this with these guys?), she was not eating or drinking properly. Imagine- 3 meals of just rice and dal; not even with ghee. Restricted water. How is anyone to survive on this nonsense, let alone make enough milk to feed a newborn?

Later I found her brother in the vicinity and questioned him. And he said, "Yes doctor, you had told us about what to give her and what she should eat" (ok. good. so at least I hadn't missed that) and then I reiterated again about what she should be eating and how important that was.

God knows what happened after her discharge from the NICU. I hope she doesn't turn up again at the NICU and that baby grows a bit and this whole breastfeeding thing resolves without any more issues.

Ideally, I should have asked her to come meet me on an OPD basis to follow up with the lactation. But I was frankly very reluctant. I am a simple lactation counselor, that too with no qualifications other than an LCCE, a bit of experience and a true desire to do this stuff. All the psychiatric stuff, the financial stuff (they might feel obligated to come see me, but may not be able to afford the OPD fees), and most importantly, the getting-through-to-them stuff was too overwhelming for me. So I gave her my card with my number on it and asked her to get in touch in case of any issues, but didn't set a time.

Reading this account over makes me realize how out of control I felt. Most of my decisions were made based on a desire to get out of the situation rather than meet it head on. This is something I will probably come across again. So I must learn to become more aware of these obstacles. I must talk to Rk and other doctors about how they handle difficult cases.