Sick

Every time I come across another little child molested in Bangalore schools, my stomach turns. I have a visceral fear of this, which mother does not? Fear, disgust, horror: these are common reactions to these stories whomever I speak to, wherever I bring this up. But when I ask other moms, what do you do when you hear something as unspeakable as this crime, I don't get any answers that satisfy me.

What should a person do when confronted with what seems to be an epidemic of sexual abuse of babies and children? What can we, as parents, as citizens, as sane humans do?
The answers I get vary from "I pray" to "My kids' school is very good. I know they will be safe there".
I cannot be content with these passive methods.We cannot keep on praying that someone else will tidy up things for us, pass laws that are stringent against these offenders (by the way, what are the punishments for these men? Why do they do the things they do? Are they sexually frustrated? Do they have some psychiatric issues? Are they under some kind of fucked-up, weird peer pressure to prove their masculinity? ). Or maybe I should stop saying "We cannot sit here doing nothing, hoping that things will improve", because from my experience, that is EXACTLY what most moms that I have spoken to want to do.

So let me rephrase that to I cannot sit here doing nothing. I need to feel that I have at least raised my voice. The very thought of sitting quiet, hoping someone else will fix the problem, hoping that my kids don't get harmed, hoping that the school they eventually join has taken the necessary steps to protect the kids, makes me sick, sick sick.Silence is acquiescence and I do not want to be silent.

Just starting a Facebook page will be useless. It has to be with an aim and some objectives in mind. So I've been keeping my fear at bay, by thinking about how to think through something like this. How does one start a movement? How does one bring about change? There are lessons to be learned here from any politician, movements like Arab spring, or even last year's parent protests that forced the police to make some infinitesimal rules, such as CCTV in schools.

Anger management

Why is it SO difficult to manage anger? Just when I think I'm doing a great job controlling the anger flare-ups with the kids, I go and blow up at the husband.
It's like a volcano that needs to erupt somehow, or a water pipe that has to burst. You close up one hole and another opens up.
This tells me that I have not succeeded in truly calming myself, but have just suppressed my emotions. And this lid on the boiling pot of anger is as ineffectual in controlling the flow of anger as a finger plugging a hole in a sea wall (yes, Hans Brinkner, I'm looking at you)
So that begs the question, why is this volcano there in the first place? Why is it so easy to feed it?

Some things that increase anger:
a) Hunger
b) Multi-tasking while hungry
c) Reading a novel obsessively.
d) Not taking the time to have a general plan

My recent flare-ups have been caused by all four, but especially by (c) and (d). I've been reading "The Hidden Blade" and its sequel "My Beautiful Enemy" by Sherry Thomas and found them so fantastic that I have been reading them nearly continuously for more than a week now. So there's very little space in my mind for anything more serious. Which irritates the man no end and in turn, makes me really upset.

On-going attempts to control anger involve:
a) A few minutes of meditation. I really need to make more time for this.
b) A few minutes of planning every day.
c) Writing. It's amazing how much writing about this process is helping me. So I need to continue logging my thoughts and progress (or regress) and learning from them.

A new phase in life

A red-whiskered bulbul. We spotted one in J.P.Nagar, Bangalore. Image: picked off the web; copyright details on pic

Exactly a month since we left the US.

Time has flown swiftly by. We have been making inroads into re-embedding ourselves into Indian society (starting with applications for PAN card, Aadhar card etc) and getting the process started to open RK's clinic.

When I think back on this month, and indeed, this past year, all I can think is how lucky we are to have received this opportunity to do something different. How alive one feels to be undertaking something massive and totally new! "Life-changing" is an understatement to describe the events of the past year. Things may or may not work out. But thank goodness we got the chance to try. The lessons we learn will stay with us and mold us for the rest of our lives.

Our biggest objective right now is to get things rolling on RK's clinic. We have identified a space, started negotiations etc. But things move slowly, and it is likely that the clinic space won't be ready for a few more months. In the meantime, RK will start practice at a nearby hospital. My stuff related to the lab and childbirth education is also proceeding slowly but surely. It is largely reliant on RK's clinic to be functional, at least initially.

There are two or three things that I am proud of myself for, some attitudinal aspects. Usually, I tend to take a backseat most times especially in the professional sense: RK has always had a very clear idea of what he wants to do and spends most of his time thinking and talking about it. I automatically and happily fall into the role of listener, but never spend as much time (or indeed any time) figuring out what I want to do. So anytime anybody (usually RK) asks me what are my plans for myself, I flounder, because honestly, I have not given it any thought. My answers are usually half-baked and get shot down before they have time to draw a breath.

This time, it's been different. Since my role right now is as Chief Supporter, I get a front-seat view of the process of starting a business. But very soon, I started seeing it as an internship for myself. What better way to learn about business than by being intimately involved with starting one, without the actual responsibility of having everything depend entirely on one? RK's cousin D is an entrepreneur and a fantastic mentor, willing to share his experiences and answer multiple naive questions without losing patience. So in this self-created internship, I am learning to strategize, market, pay close attention to details and start thinking two steps ahead.

My attitude could have been one of tolerance and martyrdom- an easily foreseeable scene would have been of the long suffering wife supporting the wayward and flighty husband. Instead, because I see this path as something that will directly affect me and the decisions I make towards my diagnostic lab, suddenly, my attitude is one of active learning. Kind of selfish, no? That my attitude improves only when I see direct benefit to myself? But then, aren't we all?
What this also shows is the ownership I've taken with the lab. I could have pouted and held back saying that this isn't my idea and my dream. But at last, I seem have grown a bit more mature in realizing that I need to grasp my opportunities now, instead of focusing on trivialities.

The other attitude change that I am proud of, although it still feels elusive at times: holding on to a modicum of calmness in the face of sudden and scary events.
a) I turned my ankle and ripped a bunch of tendons on the eve of our departure from the US. The flight back to India was long and painful. I am extremely proud of my behavior during and after the flight: calm, cheerful and determined to get home, no matter what. I maintained my cool, I didn't lose my head and managed to keep the kids cheerful and calm throughout the 25-hour journey, despite not being able to walk without wanting to scream in pain.  I did this by constantly making sure that I had the resources to cope, by eating and snacking frequently, keeping hydrated, and most importantly, being extremely conscious of my inner self. By taking the time to respond, I would stop most of my knee-jerk nasty statements to kids and would take a deep breath if needed. By calming myself down, I calmed everybody around me. This is a brilliant life lesson I learned and need to practice some more.
b) My two-year old burned her hand in a freak accident. I was proud of the way I handled it, without giving in to fear. I broke down and cried afterwards, when I was explaining to RK what happened. But at that time, I held strong.
c) My 89 year old grandma fell very sick a couple of days ago, with diarrhea and massive weakness. I took care of her for a while (only about an hour or so, but still) and didn't lose my head when things got very bad.

These are my little triumphs. Sorry for boring you, reader. But these are the things that I need to remember, so that I know that I can be a better person. Someone more controlled and calm than I am usually.

A Quick Guide to Schools in Pittsburgh

When we still thought we would live out a good chunk of our lives in Pittsburgh, I had done a lot of research on school options for the kids. Now I find a lot of my friends going through the same process of doubts, questions and research as their kids grow older. So, here's a post summarizing the various options, my opinions and some facts about school education in the Burgh.

At age 3 (preschool):

a) Daycare/Preschool combination option: Places like Kindercare, Tendercare, Brightside, Rodef Shalom, JCC, etc (pretty much any daycare that caters to the 3-5 year old population) integrate a preschool within their daycare. The great advantage is that the kids are taken care of till about 6 or 7pm, for a price that varies by the center. On average, one can anticipate about a $1000/ month in expenses.

b) Public preschool: Pittsburgh Public Schools offers free preschool for 3-5 year old kids. Advantages: it's free; it's a great way of finding out about the school for kindergarten and above (after 5 years of age). Major disadvantage: school runs only till about noon or so, forcing one to find other options for after-school care.
For nearly all these preschools, admission is by application to the assigned school (based on postal address) or by lottery (eg. Montessori). Don't assume that just because you got in to a great school via the preschool lottery, that you're all set for kindergarten. Many schools require you to re-participate in the lottery system after the child turns 5 for a kindergarten admit.

At age 5 (kindergarten and at 6, elementary):

a) Pittsburgh Public Schools (assigned school): Based on one's postal address, one falls into different school districts, meaning that there's an assigned school where one's kids automatically are ensured admission. Pittsburgh inner city school districts get a lot of flak from those living in the suburbs, but in general, I have found that the schools in Squirrel Hill and Shadyside are pretty well-regarded. Many parents I have spoken to assure me that schools like Colfax or Minadeo (both in Squirrel Hill) are certainly comparable to any in the suburbs.
Nothing much needs to be done by the parents to ensure admission to their kids: You take the kid's birth certificate and some proofs of residence (a detailed document list is found on the PPS website) over to the school before some particular date in summer (the academic term starts in Aug) and they will register the kid. Before school starts, there'll be open houses and meet-and-greets where the prospective parents and students can meet the teachers and other school families.
This is the simplest and most stress-free method.
However, you may not be happy with your assigned school. In which case, you could find a close relative who does live in a school district that you like, and that can enable you to put your kid in the new school, after assigning the close relative as guardian. Or you could try the following other options:

b) Pittsburgh Public Schools (Magnet school): Magnet schools are those that emphasize a certain aspect of education, such as languages, science & tech, arts, music, you name it. There are many elementary schools that are Magnet, such as Dilworth (special emphasis on arts and music), Linden(special emphasis on a foreign language, such as German or Mandarin), Montessori (a special teaching type) and so on. There is no geographical restriction for application to these schools. To apply, wait for the application forms to come online on the PPS website by October of the previous year, browse through their offerings (each school describes its philosophy, special points etc), pick three that you like, submit the completed form and your list of top-3 favorite schools to the PPS office by December. Lottery to these schools take place in Jan and you will know where your child will be placed by February end. Magnet schools, being part of PPS, are also free.

c) Charter schools: these are not part of the PPS, yet they are not exactly separate from them, either. They follow their own curricula, but are still considered enough a part of PPS that their graduating high-school students will be eligible for the Pittsburgh Promise. The curriculum depends on the school. For instance, the Frick Environmental Charter School (my favorite of all) stresses on the importance of nature and environmental consciousness in the development of kids. Entrance is by lottery. Competition can be fierce. For instance, the ECS admission rate is 7%, lower than that of Yale University.Parents pay a nominal fee for tuition and food.

For both magnet and charter schools, preference is given to applicants with siblings already in the school ("sibling preference") and city of Pittsburgh residents.

d) Private schools: pay and learn. School fees can vary widely. But nearly all cost more than $10,000/ year. Scholarships are available for those in need of financial assistance.

My opinions:
I am a big fan of the PPS. So my plan for my kids was to send them to either their assigned school (Minadeo) or apply for Magnet schools (Montessori and Dilworth were the first two on my list). I felt that the money saved during elementary school education would be better used either for private schooling at the high school stage or even college. Some of my friends also advocated private schooling in a girls-only school for their daughters during the middle school years and this is certainly a point that should be considered.

Hiya Pluto!

Excited about New Horizons!

What will we see on Tuesday?

Beautiful Altars

To my Indian and Indian-origin readers in the US, my friends Swati and Pushkar have started selling beautiful altars that they design and make themselves.

If you are interested in an exclusive and original altar for your idols, go check out their website! They're the best!

GoKool Altars. 

Warbler Watching

 I've written a bit about warblers before. These are small, loud birds that perch high on trees and flit around. They are also really difficult to spot. RK has been obsessing about them for a few years now and last year, finally, at Presque Isle, we managed to catch a few glimpses of these li'l critters. The birds start flying from South America to Canada every spring and they rest along the US shoreline of the Great Lakes before crossing the lakes. So, in protected places along the shoreline, you can find large numbers of warblers congregated during the first couple of weeks of May and these can be spotted more easily than usual because leaf growth on trees is still quite sparse. By Memorial Day, however, most trees have their foliage and these little birds are nearly impossible to spot in their natural habitat.

We made a week-long road trip to the midwest during the first weekend of May and camped overnight near Magee Marsh on our way to Illinois.

Magee Marsh is about 40m from Toledo, OH

Magee Marsh, right on the Lake Erie shoreline,  used to be hunting land at one point of time, before it got turned over the government. Now it's part of the Ottawa National Refuge for Wildlife and in close proximity to East Harbor and Maumee State Parks. This is a truly fantastic place for bird-watchers of all ages. The design too is very kid-friendly: on one side of the parking lot is the beach, where kids can hang out and on the other side is the bird trail.

Relaxing at Lake Erie, right by Magee Marsh

This trail is what makes Magee Marsh so popular, a wooden boardwalk cutting right through the marsh which one can walk on, and observe birds and wildlife. The company is great, usually a bunch of experienced bird watchers and people are very friendly, taking trouble to show you the birds they spotted and telling you a bit about them.

Boardwalk trail through the marsh at Magee Marsh. 

Yes, it can tend to get a bit tame, not to mention overcrowded. Nonetheless, it's a great place to begin birding.

There's also a wooded region between the lake and the trail which is home to some very beautiful birds.

The most common birds one sees, other than the American robin, are the red shouldered blackbirds and Canada geese. May appears to be a time for Canada goslings to waddle around

Those little lumps of greenish-brown are goslings!

While the male red-shouldered blackbirds are really easy to identify, the female stumped me for a long time. I knew that females had a yellow streak, instead of a red shoulder, but I didn't realize that those were immature females.

Immature female red-winged/ red-shouldered blackbird. Image from Wiki.

Apparently, the mature female red shouldered blackbird looks like this:

Mature female blackbird

Who would have guessed that it's a blackbird, right? RK challenged me to identify this bird and it took me the better part of a day to finally figure it out.

We saw our first warbler when, while pulling into the Magee Marsh (MM, for short. I'm getting tired of spelling this out) parking lot, we spotted a lady with a dog intently observing something high up on a tree. So of course, we pulled out our binos as well and guess what we found?

A yellow-rumped warbler!

This was the first time either of us had ever seen one of these, so there was high excitement all around. Look at that pale yellow patch on his little butt and that little turmeric tilak on his forehead! Many birds also have a bright yellow patch on the breast, but some didn't. Here's a picture of the female, showing the yellow breast, so perhaps only the females have it, but the males have the forehead patch? I need to find out.

Female yellow-rumped warbler. Looks a bit like a sparrow with touches of yellow, right?

These birds are supposedly the most common warblers in MM. And certainly we saw plenty.

We spotted many tree swallows (and even a nest!), gulls, terns, and a downy woodpecker. Way out in the lake, a flock of birds swimming in the water caught our attention. They had tucked their heads away in between their wings, perhaps to protect themselves from the wind. Ram initially thought they were pintail ducks, because of their pointed tails. But one of them raised his head and showed himself to be quite ruddy. They were ruddy ducks!

Downy woodpecker. Image from Audubon

Male ruddy duck. Image from Wiki

Some distance away were hooded merganser ducks, identifiable by their black heads with crest (presumably white colored, though we couldn't tell the color from the distance).

Hooded merganser duck. Image from www.ducks.org

We saw warbling vireos. I think this bird has become one of my favorites. I promise you, you have heard it, if you have spent even a few minutes outdoors during spring time in some wooded area. It is loud, lives up to its name and sings almost constantly. You'd think a bird with such a voice and general loud personality would have an equally loud and colorful appearance, but you'd be wrong. The warbling vireo is probably one of the most nondescript birds I have seen. In fact, its very dull appearance is itself one of its identifying features.

The warbling vireo

In East Harbor State Park, where we camped, I tracked a couple of vireos and found their nest! They were still building it at the time, but the only reason why I started tracking them was because the birds were so loud! If you're interested, go to East Harbor State Park, near camp site A110, and walk towards the camp site right behind it. There, in a small tree, by the park bench, is the nest. It's likely that you'll not spot it immediately because it was completely hidden among leaves. But never fear- the nest builders will sing loudly enough for you to figure out where it is eventually.

A few more birds that we saw and that were truly spectacular:

Canada Warbler. Very similar to Magnolia Warbler (see below). But
with shorter streaks in the front (almost like a necklace). To
see a Canada warbler, go to Magee Marsh. Near the toilets behind the
parking lot, on the path to the beach, is a thicket. We saw 2-3 birds flitting
around over there, perhaps nesting.

Magnolia warbler. Image from Wiki.
Pretty similar to Canada (see above). But
found on trees, near the marsh. Note
also the different eye rings/ eye brows

This is the Blackburnian warbler. What colors, no?! Found on trees by the boardwalk through the Marsh.

Blackburnian warbler

The Black-throated Blue warbler. There's been a decline in numbers, so this bird is considered to be a "priority" bird by the Audubon society. Found it on the trees by the boardwalk.

Black-throated blue warbler

Cape May warbler. Note the red eye-patch and the black streaks down the breast.  Image from Wiki

Palm warbler. Yellow rump, ruddy crest. Best identifying feature: tail flicks. Apparently, the only warbler that demonstrates this trait.

Bay breasted warbler. 

Black and white warbler

Nashville warblers look similar to female redstarts (well, perhaps they don't, looking at these two pictures side-by-side. I confused the two up anyway), but have a red patch on their heads:

Female redstart

Nashville warbler

Red mark on the head of the Nashville warbler.
Image from Audubon

Tennessee warbler: getting harder and harder to identify between
all these species, no? In fact, we are not certain we actually
saw this one.

Yellow warbler. Very common in Magee Marsh. 

Nest of yellow warbler

Common yellow-throated warbler

Let me just write down the other birds we saw, since the list is long and I'm sure this blog post is huge already:

Great Blue Heron

Coots

Gnatcatcher

Field Sparrow

Song Sparrow

Cormorants

Wood ducks (in nest!)

Red bellied woodpecker

Nuthatch

Killdeer and its babies

Cat birds

Eastern kingbird

Mourning warbler (seen by others, not us)

White crowned sparrow

We also saw many turtles and even a water snake. The kids were thrilled!

This blog post has gone on long enough, so I'll leave you with this image of the nest of a bald eagle (about two houses from the ice cream shop near Magee Marsh, if anybody's interested)

Nest of bald eagle.Also saw both eagles within nest, but couldn't get picture.