Ok, I know, there's nothing more annoying than someone who complains about how difficult their life is. So I promise never to do so again.
But God, I need to vent and don't have any other avenues.
Being a working mom is hard and lonely.
How is one person supposed to get great work done while at the same time ensuring that kids are optimally growing, household is optimally running, long-term life planning is happening at the right times, and that familial bonds are kept strong and kids are getting the kind of training in extracurricular activities that will hopefully make them into well-rounded adults at some point of time?
It's exhausting.
And it's no use saying that these things are a partnership. Sure, some things are, but which man ever takes a day-to-day interest in his kids? Which dad ever gets told, your kids are looking thin/ fat/ short/dark? Which dad ever gets called for parent-teacher meetings when the kid hasn't submitted homework/ project/ craft/ other bloody shit on time? Which man is ever expected to attend engagements/ death ceremony meals/ wedding lunches/ pre-wedding lunchs/ mehendis/ sangeet/ post-wedding lunches and help out with the cleaning afterwards? Which married man ever says, oh crap, we are running out of oil/soap/toothpaste/ whatever else and proactively goes and buys them instead of telling his wife to handle it?
And in the meantime, one is supposed to have the right attitude to everything- to learning, to growing, to managing, to leading. One cannot just say, oh for fuck's sake, screw this shit or let's get on with it and get this shit done.
No, one is supposed to have a humble, happy and accepting attitude and grow from things one doesn't know or do well or... well, something.
When things get really really difficult (and honestly, I know dozens of other people who have it way, way harder than I do, but I'm a human who likes to whine, so shoot me), I think of a rubber band- the more you stretch it, the more it accommodates.
I am already doing a lot more today than I was doing some months ago and way more than I was doing some years ago.
No doubt, some months from now, I'll look back on this time and know that I have it easy now.
If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be to increase my patience and my positive interactions with the kids. So many times, they ask me to come play with them. And I snap back and yell. Soon they will stop asking me and I would have missed something precious.
Again though, would I really? Is my assumption that I'll miss something precious based on nothing other Cat's in the Cradle kind of thinking? Would the kids even know or care or appreciate that I would have worked hard to make time for them?
Ok, my rant is done. Let's get back to "count your blessings, not your problems" mentality. *Sigh*
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Monday, December 17, 2018
Hunger
I think I'm becoming a bit of a food snob. These past few weeks, I crave for some kind of food... actually, I've been dreaming on and off of mom's food, but let's not go down that path wherein lie heartbreak and depression. I've been craving, and I've been terribly dissatisfied with my own or our housekeeper, Shanti's cooking. But what to make or eat instead?
In desperation, I tried Swiggy, tried eating out at various places and tried out different recipes, but no. It all leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, an utter ennui. There's something more that I crave. Do I dream of mom's food because I crave something different, or do I crave mom's food and hence I dream of it?
I don't know.
But I do know that going to the usual joints and eating the usual barbeque/ paneer nonsense/ chinese idiocy etc no longer cut it.
I'll tell you what did come close: we went to a new restaurant called Shakesbiere. It's so new that even their website's not fully up yet. And what I liked were the surprises. Yes, of course, food was good. You expect places like this to have good food. But what I love even more is the surprise element. The ambience was great, the food had interesting names and the presentation was fun.
Move over, kadai paneer in a pot and yucky paneer butter masala. I'm so sick of you.
Toast and Tonic is another such place. You order a coffee and you get an experience. Who would have thought coffee could be presented in such an unusual manner? And most of the fun is in seeing that coffee rather than actually drinking it.
Even tomato soup used to be served in such a spectacular way and would taste absolutely heavenly... I mean, it probably is still being served the same way. I just haven't been there in a while.
So what I think is I'm becoming a bit master chef-y or like Anton Ego, from Ratatouille. I want to clap my hands and say, "Surprise me!" instead of ordering. I want to be in the moment and savor every molecule of the food instead of just hogging things down and trying to satisfy some elusive hunger. And I want that molecule of food to be worth my complete attention.
Is that so much to ask?
In desperation, I tried Swiggy, tried eating out at various places and tried out different recipes, but no. It all leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, an utter ennui. There's something more that I crave. Do I dream of mom's food because I crave something different, or do I crave mom's food and hence I dream of it?
I don't know.
But I do know that going to the usual joints and eating the usual barbeque/ paneer nonsense/ chinese idiocy etc no longer cut it.
I'll tell you what did come close: we went to a new restaurant called Shakesbiere. It's so new that even their website's not fully up yet. And what I liked were the surprises. Yes, of course, food was good. You expect places like this to have good food. But what I love even more is the surprise element. The ambience was great, the food had interesting names and the presentation was fun.
Move over, kadai paneer in a pot and yucky paneer butter masala. I'm so sick of you.
Toast and Tonic is another such place. You order a coffee and you get an experience. Who would have thought coffee could be presented in such an unusual manner? And most of the fun is in seeing that coffee rather than actually drinking it.
Even tomato soup used to be served in such a spectacular way and would taste absolutely heavenly... I mean, it probably is still being served the same way. I just haven't been there in a while.
So what I think is I'm becoming a bit master chef-y or like Anton Ego, from Ratatouille. I want to clap my hands and say, "Surprise me!" instead of ordering. I want to be in the moment and savor every molecule of the food instead of just hogging things down and trying to satisfy some elusive hunger. And I want that molecule of food to be worth my complete attention.
Is that so much to ask?
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Oven issues
I got myself a Morphy Richards electric oven here in India after years of gas oven in the US.
I feel like the oven and I are speaking totally different languages. There's a guy in lab who looks at me like that when I talk... he gets this slightly shifty-eyed look, slight panic and nods to everything I say. And I know, just totally know, that he hasn't understood a word. Poor guy- he's good with the wet lab work and he's a genuinely nice guy. I just need to speak slower... or in a different language. We haven't had too many issues though, because we both have multiple translators, all of whom who understand that neither of us really "gets" the other and spend long periods of time helping us figure the other out.
I wish I had such multiple translators with my oven. Just when I gave up on it entirely last year, it magically made me the most amazing chocolate lava cake (I wasn't actually trying to make lava cake, just plain chocolate sheet cake, but hey). Then when I actually tried to make lava cake, I ended up with a dung-like lump instead.
The thing with it is, it's small. And it has two heating rods on top and two heating rods on the bottom. There are also controls to tell the oven which rods to turn on. This took me a while to realize (maybe this is obvious to others), but you can't actually just turn on all 4 rods for every baking project. Different baking utensils, different baking items require you to either turn on just the top, or just the bottom or switch from bottom to top halfway through the bake or vice versa. Different projects also require you to turn the vessel halfway through the bake to let the front go to the back and so on.
Baking has gone from me just plonking something in the oven and getting something reasonably good-tasting out, to me having to focus and visualize every step... it's as intricate as any molecular biology experiment. It requires reaching the same Zen-like state of "I've done the absolute best I can. The rest is out of my hands"... karmaNi eVa aDhikarasyE, ma phalEshu kadachana, as Krishna would say. Who would have thought baking would be a such a sure shot way to appreciate the Gita?
Anyway, Durga and I baked sponge cake today. I was watching it like a hawk, turning the knob to switch from top heater to bottom heater, barking orders to Durga and so on. Finally, it looked good, it smelled good so I pulled it out and stuck a knife in it, which came out clean. Hurray, we said and set it on the rack to cool.
But just then, I saw liquid goo ooze out of a hole. Gah! It only got done on one side properly (had forgotten to turn the vessel). So this time, turned the undone side towards the back, fiddled with the knobs again and turned the oven back on.
Two minutes later, more goo oozed out. Oh! Maybe this is for the good- the goo must be expanding inside and coming out, I think.
Fiddle with knobs some more and start getting the smell of burning cake.
Aaarrgh!
Popped it all out and let it rest. I'll cut the done bits and throw out the undone stuff where ever it is hiding.
I Googled "I hate my oven" and came across this. Is it weird that every single one commenting there is a guy?
I feel like the oven and I are speaking totally different languages. There's a guy in lab who looks at me like that when I talk... he gets this slightly shifty-eyed look, slight panic and nods to everything I say. And I know, just totally know, that he hasn't understood a word. Poor guy- he's good with the wet lab work and he's a genuinely nice guy. I just need to speak slower... or in a different language. We haven't had too many issues though, because we both have multiple translators, all of whom who understand that neither of us really "gets" the other and spend long periods of time helping us figure the other out.
I wish I had such multiple translators with my oven. Just when I gave up on it entirely last year, it magically made me the most amazing chocolate lava cake (I wasn't actually trying to make lava cake, just plain chocolate sheet cake, but hey). Then when I actually tried to make lava cake, I ended up with a dung-like lump instead.
The thing with it is, it's small. And it has two heating rods on top and two heating rods on the bottom. There are also controls to tell the oven which rods to turn on. This took me a while to realize (maybe this is obvious to others), but you can't actually just turn on all 4 rods for every baking project. Different baking utensils, different baking items require you to either turn on just the top, or just the bottom or switch from bottom to top halfway through the bake or vice versa. Different projects also require you to turn the vessel halfway through the bake to let the front go to the back and so on.
Baking has gone from me just plonking something in the oven and getting something reasonably good-tasting out, to me having to focus and visualize every step... it's as intricate as any molecular biology experiment. It requires reaching the same Zen-like state of "I've done the absolute best I can. The rest is out of my hands"... karmaNi eVa aDhikarasyE, ma phalEshu kadachana, as Krishna would say. Who would have thought baking would be a such a sure shot way to appreciate the Gita?
Anyway, Durga and I baked sponge cake today. I was watching it like a hawk, turning the knob to switch from top heater to bottom heater, barking orders to Durga and so on. Finally, it looked good, it smelled good so I pulled it out and stuck a knife in it, which came out clean. Hurray, we said and set it on the rack to cool.
But just then, I saw liquid goo ooze out of a hole. Gah! It only got done on one side properly (had forgotten to turn the vessel). So this time, turned the undone side towards the back, fiddled with the knobs again and turned the oven back on.
Two minutes later, more goo oozed out. Oh! Maybe this is for the good- the goo must be expanding inside and coming out, I think.
Fiddle with knobs some more and start getting the smell of burning cake.
Aaarrgh!
Popped it all out and let it rest. I'll cut the done bits and throw out the undone stuff where ever it is hiding.
I Googled "I hate my oven" and came across this. Is it weird that every single one commenting there is a guy?
Friday, November 23, 2018
Life goes on
In the span of a single month: a death; an engagement; a wedding; three conferences, of which I'm an organizer of two; a company retreat; two grants; a new position; and looking to move out of our existing space.
And the month isn't even over yet.
And the month isn't even over yet.
Thursday, November 8, 2018
The third one
My grandmother passed away a few days ago.
What strikes me is the sense of relief- she struggled terribly in the last few months.She was 92. It was time.
Her funeral was marked with reunions, stories of her childhood, youth and my aunts' childhoods, stories of my father and laughter and tears.
THIS is what funerals should be.
When my father and mother passed away, the sense of disorientation, the sense of breathlessness, the feeing of a massive stone sitting on my head and heart were overpowering at times.
And all through those days and the ones following them I would keep telling myself to be controlled, to smile and to finish whatever had to be done.
Those days are days that I have no desire to recall again... it feels like a wound that has outwardly begun to close, but you're too afraid to touch it in fear that it will start gushing blood again.
My grandmother's death is the end of an era. She was born in the 20's; she got married at 12; had 13 kids, of which 8 survived; she traveled with her husband to whichever part of the country he was transferred, made friends and managed life for herself and her family no matter where she went; she learnt Hindi and English on her own; she was widowed by the time she was 40; and then singlehandedly brought up 8 kids, ranging from 22 (my father) to 8 (my youngest uncle). She lived long enough that 6 out of her 8 great grandkids will have lasting memories of her. She was erudite, could argue points of law and was a life-long learner, constantly trying out knitting, crocheting, stitching, new recipes and discussing topics of morality vs legality in TV shows, as long as she was able.
What did she not experience in her life? I think she suffered through nearly every possible tragedy- the deaths of a husband, parents, siblings, and multiple children, including the last and most recent blows, those of my parents.
My poor Ajji. I hope she finds a modicum of peace, wherever she is now.
What strikes me is the sense of relief- she struggled terribly in the last few months.She was 92. It was time.
Her funeral was marked with reunions, stories of her childhood, youth and my aunts' childhoods, stories of my father and laughter and tears.
THIS is what funerals should be.
When my father and mother passed away, the sense of disorientation, the sense of breathlessness, the feeing of a massive stone sitting on my head and heart were overpowering at times.
And all through those days and the ones following them I would keep telling myself to be controlled, to smile and to finish whatever had to be done.
Those days are days that I have no desire to recall again... it feels like a wound that has outwardly begun to close, but you're too afraid to touch it in fear that it will start gushing blood again.
My grandmother's death is the end of an era. She was born in the 20's; she got married at 12; had 13 kids, of which 8 survived; she traveled with her husband to whichever part of the country he was transferred, made friends and managed life for herself and her family no matter where she went; she learnt Hindi and English on her own; she was widowed by the time she was 40; and then singlehandedly brought up 8 kids, ranging from 22 (my father) to 8 (my youngest uncle). She lived long enough that 6 out of her 8 great grandkids will have lasting memories of her. She was erudite, could argue points of law and was a life-long learner, constantly trying out knitting, crocheting, stitching, new recipes and discussing topics of morality vs legality in TV shows, as long as she was able.
What did she not experience in her life? I think she suffered through nearly every possible tragedy- the deaths of a husband, parents, siblings, and multiple children, including the last and most recent blows, those of my parents.
My poor Ajji. I hope she finds a modicum of peace, wherever she is now.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
A new experience in my growth
Today was the first time I dealt in some personnel-management without taking RK's advice and guidance on it. Of course, to be fair, my company has been fairly tiny so far, so personnel management hardly was an issue.
Now that RK's group and mine work jointly on many projects and because I've also hired a new technician and obtained 2 new interns, we are getting pretty crowded.
Crowded place, new responsibilities, new projects etc leads to high stress; behaviors that might otherwise have been shrugged away become large pain points and bad behaviors that might have once been rare or ignored magnify to become real issues.
These past few weeks, I've been mostly absent from lab. In addition to my absence, the senior scientist in lab was also dealing with some family emergency issues and wasn't able to go to lab. This left the younger technicians in a position of high responsibility and independent decision-making. For the most part, it went very smoothly. However, yesterday I heard a complaint about somebody in lab and how their behavior was affecting workplace climate.
Before taking any action though, I discussed this issue with the senior physician at the clinical group and with the senior scientist from my group. We came up with a strategy which wouldn't point fingers at the person but would place this within the larger context of leadership and personal growth. Because, to be honest, I don't want to lose this person over something which is actually fairly easy to fix.
RK is someone I would have immediately asked help of, but he was busy. And the other person who would have been really helpful, his mentor from the US who is in town right now, was also busy. So, I took a few leaves from RK's book: I went online and read extensively; I looked at algorithms for cultivating a healthy work culture and I looked at images of leadership, work culture, personal growth, work place ethics and so on. This morning I still felt quite unprepared- I didn't feel like I had a cohesive message, I was afraid that I would ramble on without end and I couldn't figure out whether to focus only on workplace culture or personal growth or something completely different (all that reading while useful also confused the heck out of me... what exactly did I want anyway?).
The only thing I was sure of the attitude that I wanted to convey: one of trust and openness.
So I went in to lab, hoping to bumble through it somehow. I started out with asking people what they wanted out of their growth, what did they think contributed to personal growth. Many thoughtful answers, such as personal vision, education, learning from failures, and workplace environment (!) emerged. I asked them to to spend some time reflecting on what factors they felt had been critical for their growth so far. And while they were reflecting, I had a brainwave.
Last week, I had browsed through a book called "High Performance Habits" by Brendan Burchard. It made such an impact on me that I downloaded the book on my phone and have been going through it on and off. One of the first few chapters is about how actively reflecting on and improving one's perceptions of oneself (self), perceptions of what one would like others to think of one (social), a thoughtful approach to building skills critical for success and investing one's energy in service are ways to improve performance and effectiveness in life.
So almost automatically, my thoughts went to whatever I'd learned from this book. So I decided I would bring the conversation to this and have everybody talk about these 4S's (self, social, skills and service, as mentioned in the book).
Weirdly enough, when we discussed the personal growth aspect itself, even before I drove the conversation towards improvement, the person whose behavior triggered this whole session brought up many of these issues of behavior. And then there was a very honest exchange of opinions and thoughts about what triggered these bouts of bad behavior and what the underlying situation was.
Was it because this person suspected what had triggered this meeting and wanted to face it head-on?
Or was it because this environment of openness had been created? Or was I too, too obvious?
I don't know. But I was not going to let the opportunity go to waste! So I probed more, we spent a good amount of time talking about it, we all brainstormed about ways by which we could help and that conversation brought out many underlying confusions and miscommunications that I couldn't have even suspected.
We did the whole 4S thing as well- it seemed like a very good framework to address these exact same issues. And each of my team members came up with a goal list for themselves and selected other team mates to be their "coach"... and guess what? The same person about whom the complaints were, was the person most frequently chosen to be a coach for others to keep themselves on track with their personal goals! How amazing and awesomely crazy is that! I have to give full credit to this person for being honest and upfront about a lot of things- this truly is personal leadership.
And guess what else? We will continue these leadership sessions every month. I think there's some serious gold to be mined here.
So, all in all, feeling pretty good!
Now that RK's group and mine work jointly on many projects and because I've also hired a new technician and obtained 2 new interns, we are getting pretty crowded.
Crowded place, new responsibilities, new projects etc leads to high stress; behaviors that might otherwise have been shrugged away become large pain points and bad behaviors that might have once been rare or ignored magnify to become real issues.
These past few weeks, I've been mostly absent from lab. In addition to my absence, the senior scientist in lab was also dealing with some family emergency issues and wasn't able to go to lab. This left the younger technicians in a position of high responsibility and independent decision-making. For the most part, it went very smoothly. However, yesterday I heard a complaint about somebody in lab and how their behavior was affecting workplace climate.
Before taking any action though, I discussed this issue with the senior physician at the clinical group and with the senior scientist from my group. We came up with a strategy which wouldn't point fingers at the person but would place this within the larger context of leadership and personal growth. Because, to be honest, I don't want to lose this person over something which is actually fairly easy to fix.
RK is someone I would have immediately asked help of, but he was busy. And the other person who would have been really helpful, his mentor from the US who is in town right now, was also busy. So, I took a few leaves from RK's book: I went online and read extensively; I looked at algorithms for cultivating a healthy work culture and I looked at images of leadership, work culture, personal growth, work place ethics and so on. This morning I still felt quite unprepared- I didn't feel like I had a cohesive message, I was afraid that I would ramble on without end and I couldn't figure out whether to focus only on workplace culture or personal growth or something completely different (all that reading while useful also confused the heck out of me... what exactly did I want anyway?).
The only thing I was sure of the attitude that I wanted to convey: one of trust and openness.
So I went in to lab, hoping to bumble through it somehow. I started out with asking people what they wanted out of their growth, what did they think contributed to personal growth. Many thoughtful answers, such as personal vision, education, learning from failures, and workplace environment (!) emerged. I asked them to to spend some time reflecting on what factors they felt had been critical for their growth so far. And while they were reflecting, I had a brainwave.
Last week, I had browsed through a book called "High Performance Habits" by Brendan Burchard. It made such an impact on me that I downloaded the book on my phone and have been going through it on and off. One of the first few chapters is about how actively reflecting on and improving one's perceptions of oneself (self), perceptions of what one would like others to think of one (social), a thoughtful approach to building skills critical for success and investing one's energy in service are ways to improve performance and effectiveness in life.
So almost automatically, my thoughts went to whatever I'd learned from this book. So I decided I would bring the conversation to this and have everybody talk about these 4S's (self, social, skills and service, as mentioned in the book).
Weirdly enough, when we discussed the personal growth aspect itself, even before I drove the conversation towards improvement, the person whose behavior triggered this whole session brought up many of these issues of behavior. And then there was a very honest exchange of opinions and thoughts about what triggered these bouts of bad behavior and what the underlying situation was.
Was it because this person suspected what had triggered this meeting and wanted to face it head-on?
Or was it because this environment of openness had been created? Or was I too, too obvious?
I don't know. But I was not going to let the opportunity go to waste! So I probed more, we spent a good amount of time talking about it, we all brainstormed about ways by which we could help and that conversation brought out many underlying confusions and miscommunications that I couldn't have even suspected.
We did the whole 4S thing as well- it seemed like a very good framework to address these exact same issues. And each of my team members came up with a goal list for themselves and selected other team mates to be their "coach"... and guess what? The same person about whom the complaints were, was the person most frequently chosen to be a coach for others to keep themselves on track with their personal goals! How amazing and awesomely crazy is that! I have to give full credit to this person for being honest and upfront about a lot of things- this truly is personal leadership.
And guess what else? We will continue these leadership sessions every month. I think there's some serious gold to be mined here.
So, all in all, feeling pretty good!
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
Why I feel happier in India
I never could explain this until just now.
In the US, when I was going through a bad patch emotionally, or was feeling down, I would feel alone. And truly, there would be days when I wouldn't (or couldn't) talk to another person for days on end- people typically don't begin conversations on the bus or on the street with others. In my lab, the need for professionalism kept most interactions to the superficial.
I saw innumerable people over multiple years, either on the road leading to our house, or in the daycare when I went to pick up kids, and they would have seen me, but we never struck up a conversation or had any kind of connection.
.
Here, in India, on my street, on the street where my parents' home is, in my work places, I matter. People come and talk to me. I don't feel invisible.
And that's why, despite all the pollution and the problems, I like it here.
In the US, when I was going through a bad patch emotionally, or was feeling down, I would feel alone. And truly, there would be days when I wouldn't (or couldn't) talk to another person for days on end- people typically don't begin conversations on the bus or on the street with others. In my lab, the need for professionalism kept most interactions to the superficial.
I saw innumerable people over multiple years, either on the road leading to our house, or in the daycare when I went to pick up kids, and they would have seen me, but we never struck up a conversation or had any kind of connection.
.
Here, in India, on my street, on the street where my parents' home is, in my work places, I matter. People come and talk to me. I don't feel invisible.
And that's why, despite all the pollution and the problems, I like it here.
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