What to do with my new-found freedom

 I am and have been luckier than most people in the world. In addition to the key people in my life- my parents, spouse, kids and parents-in-law- there have been many family members, friends, colleagues, mentors and guides who have supported me at many stages of my life.

Now I am lucky again to have found myself in this position at this stage of my life: of starting afresh, but with an even stronger foundation than before.

What to do with all this liberty? 

What is my vision board:

a) Money:
- I want to earn large amounts of money... something like 2-2.5L per month to begin with?
- I want to clear my parents' SBI stuff this year 

b) Life:
- House: I want to renovate the house so it looks inviting, warm, loving and clean.
- My time in nature: I want to spend time bird watching, insect watching, growing plants, and watching them grow 
- Minimalist lifestyle: I want to get rid of everything that doesn't bring joy into life as Mary Kondo instructs
- Fitness: I want to be fit, strong and flexible. I want to do Vipaasana and learn to quiet my mind
- Food: I want to eat healthy food and ensure my kids are eating healthy as well. 
- Health: I want to ensure we are all protected and healthy. This means regular dental, ophthalmologic checkups, dermatology, seeking help for Ani's stammering, diet plan etc.
-Time with kids: Durga has specifically asked me to spend more time at home with her. So will plan to do so.

c) Learning:
- I want to delve into public health implementation and leadership. I want to lead programs and participate in programs which are community-based, which solve critical problems and work with wise and smart people who get things done. 
- I want to learn a new language
- I want to go abroad to meet people and learn new things
- I want to write extensively and regularly
- Kids and husband: I want to travel with the fam, do stuff with the kids (in nature, in the house, with their school and many other avenues) and learn with and from them. 
-BBMP stuff: let this journey be something I am grateful for and learn from for future projects, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be. Let me emerge from this experience stronger, smarter and with a lot more understanding of legal, regulatory and financial processes, people and systems.

Hard Decisions

 There come times when there is a clear need for change. This need sometimes creeps up on you slowly, sometimes hurtling like a train. Regardless, it is time for hard decisions, whether to continue on the current path or not. 

MSCH had a situation like this in 2020, just before we pivoted to large scale Covid-19 RTPCR diagnostics.  At that time, we had very little experience with processes or operations or management. But there were desire, ambition, and a set of mentors who were extremely stringent on quality and integrity and who were willing to give their time and guidance. To a large extent, MSCH was able to envision and enact this change because of its core team of Poorva Huilgol, Rekha Godbole and myself. We relied on each other heavily and managed fairly complex and fast-evolving projects successfully.

Now the Covid phase has been over for about 15 months.  MSCH is facing another of those pivotal moments. This time, the baggage the company carries, in terms of infrastructure, people, the samples that have frozen and stored over many years, the various projects initiated but not completed, is much heavier.  MSCH maintained a steady state for the past many months and the urge to continue the status quo is overwhelming. 

But a steady state held for too long becomes decay. And there have been signs that MSCH cannot continue on its current path if it intends not only to survive but thrive in the future. 

So it is with a mixture of trepidation and optimism that we have taken a few hard decisions: we will no longer keep our stand-alone labs. We will focus only on in-sourcing and installing labs within existing entities. We will let go of practically all our staff to bring down our outflows to less than 1L per month. This will provide us some breathing space to stabilize financially and regroup for the next phase.

There are a few things different between the last pivot to this one:

a) The push and the crisis were external last time. It's always harder to validate pivots and tough decisions when it isn't obvious to the outside world! 

b) Then, we had to up-size. Here we are down-sizing, which is always perceived negatively. 

Perhaps this pivot is more like our move from the US to India. 

Personally, I find myself vacillating quite a bit about all this:
- There have been moments of great tension- such as when I told the lab about the closing down and laying off.
- Then, the rather longer-stretched  tensions and stresses of trying to place all the folks in equally good or better positions 
- Initially there was a huge spurt of joy when I felt I could step down from MSCH CEO-ship. It has been a long, memorable and proud journey but I rather like the idea of someone else taking the helm for a change. 
- And now there is a bit more stress when I try to figure out how to ensure my own salary, while enabling my growth and giving this chance the importance and thought it deserves. 

It has also helped me experience something that I have only ever heard about: the company should be the owner's asset, not the owner's master. It's slowly beginning to dawn on me that if one feels like they are working for themselves, then one can never feel like a slave. For some time now, I have felt like I have not been working for myself, that I need to make a certain amount of revenue just to maintain things.  By letting go of many crucial assets of MSCH, importantly its people, I feel like I can, for the first time in a long time, take a deep breath and say. I don't have to fight every month to make rent, revenues, salaries, name, fame, legacy... nothing. It's a stunning feeling of liberation. 

Gratitude Journal

Ok I am going to give this a shot. More on GJ here: https://www.happify.com/hd/why-you-should-write-a-gratitude-journal/ More on GJ practices here: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/gratitude_journal Wondering whether to do this online or in a physical diary... I think the latter for now, until I get a bit more comfortable with the idea.

Choosing to Stop the Chase

For the past many years, I have been chasing things- opportunities, external validation, approval, money, inclusion. I have decided to take a breath and stop. I want to delve deep into things that are meaningful and add value to my life. I want to find a purpose and a mission where working towards it itself is the satisfaction In other words, as the Gita says, I will focus on the work and not the fruits of the labour.

On a day like today

What I miss about my parents the most: - the unconditionality of their love - their habit of making my priorities theirs. I wish there was some way I could tell them this.

Birding in Guwahati: Kamakhya and Deepor Beel

Kamakhya is a powerful Goddess- probably the only one celebrating the female ability to produce offspring. This is the menstruating Goddess and the phenomena of menstruation, pregnancy and childbirth are worshipped here. 

The place of worship is ancient, believed to have been found at the site where the Mother Goddess's womb fell from the sky.

Anyway, while the temple experience was a bit disappointing (am not sure if I should go to see any further famous temples in the North... they all have a single formula: go, buy a massive basket of junk which are apparently essentials to enter a temple, get accosted by a priest, go do a bunch of things they tell you to do and come back with the same basket of junk that you had taken inside in the first place, but now apparently blessed). What is the true miracle is that some temples, even in the face of this blatant money-mindedness automated herding through random corridors, still retain a feeling of deep spirituality. Many other temples, however, become just the backdrop to this empty and heartless monetary machine. 

What made the Kamakhya experience bearable, in my mind, is the nearby Kali temple and its forest grove. 

B and I saw a solid waste management plant and in our new avatars as people deeply interested in waste in all its forms, decided to go and see what it was.

This is the unassuming entrance to the most magical secret grove!

Many birds! Right at eye level! Very happy!!

Hello Mr. Kingfisher!

Kali Ma temple

Pretty little village road. Image courtesy: Bidipta Roy

Birds seen:

a) Flamebacked woodpecker.... for the first time in my life, I saw it fly... and realized it's quite a small bird! It's wing feathers are a shape that is quite unique- separate, a bit like fingers. 

From Wiki media commons

b) White breasted Kingfishers- a family of five!

c) Blue throated barbet

Just look at those colors! From Wiki commons

d) A pair of Oriental magpie robins: these are pretty common birds in and around Bangalore. But this is the first time I saw a female one at very close quarters.
A few years ago, I had spent hours and hours hunting online to try to identify a bird that I had seen. It took me a long time to realize that it was the female cuckoo! Thankfully, this time, it didn't take me quite as long to think of this little lady as the female member of a known bird species, instead of a totally new species of bird :) 
So, am feeling rather happy about my growth as a birdwatcher. 

From Wiki commons

e) Perhaps it is only my imagination, but I feel that the crows of Guwahati are smaller than those in the South. Not sure if there are species differences- I am unable to make out even after using the field guide. 

f) Many mynas.

Tried returning to Kamakhya that evening for more birdwatching, but alas, the traffic of Guwahati conspired against us. We were stuck in traffic for more than an hour and ran out of time. 

I'm realizing Guwahati is quite unique in the way of terrains (river, wetland, hilly forests- all within a few minutes of each other), but at least at this time of the year, there are not that many different bird species: throughout the city, you see the usual urban dwellers, crows and mynas. By the river side, there are many egrets (great, intermediate, cattle, and little) and cormorants. There are also many broad-leaved groves inhabited by birds like woodpeckers and barbets. But what I don't see are the striking differences in urban bird population that is found in, say, Gangtok. In fact, Guwahati is quite similar in bird life to Kolkata and parts of Bangalore. 

 

21/5/2022

Today, PH, PK and I went to Deepar Beel, a large river wetland bird sanctuary about 10km west of Guwahati. Since we are so much to the East, sunrise occurs here at around 4:30am. By 5am, the light is just about the same as around 7am in Bangalore! We left the room by 5:30am and reached DB by 6-ish.

The road here has forested hills on one side and a large wetland lake on the other. Interestingly, the bird population on either side of the road is quite different. 

Struggling to identify the birds I see- they all look like egrets... but are they?

PK thinking deep thoughts while gazing into the horizon

Hello Mr. Drongo... or Brongo, as Durga would call you!

This one walked all the way from Kaziranga!

Birds that can be seen at DB

Caught sight of at least three different myna family species: the common myna, the collared myna and the pied starling:

Collared myna. Pic from ebird.org

Pied starling. Pic from ebird.org

A coppersmith barbet came out for a quick hello

By the forested side, caught sight of the blackhooded oriole... did you know that a BHO makes a whole lot of sounds? Sometimes it is an easy "chew chew!"... other times it sounds like a gargle followed by a sneeze "croa croa achoo!". Weird sounds emanate from this fellow. We saw a nest and a pair of birds nearby, so presume that these two are a mated pair.

Hello handsome! Pic from ebird.org

A couple of fat pigeons sat by a tree. They are a type of green pigeon, but I'm not sure if they are Green Pintailed pigeons or Yellow-footed Green Pigeon

Pintail

                                                

So... my notes from the morning specifically say yellow foot, but nothing about the tail. Also I do recall the face around the eyes being rather grey. So it does seem to be the yellow-footed green pigeon. My uncertainty stems from the fact that all pics of the yellow foot seem to show a uniform green-yellow underbelly, whereas I have clearly noted that the green bits ended in a circular margin and the rest of the body was grey. Could the differences be due to the breeding season (or the lack of it? It seems to be more the nesting season now) or gender/ geography/age ? 

For now, will call it Yellow-footed Green Pigeon.

Getting ready to head into IIT-G. No doubt, there will be more opportunities to bird there.

Walking

 Is there a better way to learn the landscape of a country other than to walk it? 

RK has been mentioning walking to Kolar, doing a walking trip to Tirupathi from Bangalore and other such ideas for many years and I was not in the mental frame of mind to pursue it with any great interest.

Since last year, after we camped out so often in our farm, come rain or shine, my comfort with the outdoors has grown. I feel as though I personally can handle the weather, no matter how rainy or hot it gets. 

Multiple conversations during the course of our Sikkim trip and a chance meeting with Mr. Abdul, who is walking from Thrissur, Kerala to Bangladesh through Nepal and Bhutan, allowed me to think through the individual steps of the overall idea and and realize, once you break down the seeming insanity of walking everywhere, regardless of its distance, into bite-sized steps, then it not only becomes manageable, but downright exciting.

To put this new found realization to reality, on our last couple of days in Sikkim, we decided to walk from Yuksom. We initially meant to walk all the way to Jorethang, from where we would take a cab to Siliguri and thence a train to Varanasi. But Jorethang is almost 62kms away and we didn't think we would be able to manage that far in one day. Hence, we decided to walk from Yuksom to Tashideng after sending our luggage by jeep from Yuksom to Jorethang,  Armed with a couple of bags containing food and water, the four of us set out to shatter our mental barriers against long distance walking.

Tashiding probably has the most famous monastry in Sikkim. The monastry, while not as old as Dubdi in Yuksom, is considered to be sort of like a Thirthasthala: a place where you are reborn and your soul is cleaned of all its sins. Many pilgrims make the journey to Tashiding. We felt confident that we might be able to get a cab from there to Jorethang.

The route from Yuksom to Tashiding

Position of Tashiding relative to Yuksom and Jorethang, Sikkim

Our landlady at Yuksom, Mrs. Bhutia, sent us off with hot tea and best wishes. 

RK, in one of his occasionally autocratic decrees, herded us into a huddle before we started to lay down some ground rules:
1. We would walk in a single file,
2. We would not suddenly stop walking even if there was something extremely interesting, and
3. We wouldn't whine for breaks. 

We saluted, "Sir, yes sir!" and began. Ani was jubilant because he assumed that just because Yuksom was high up in the mountains, walking to any point south of Yuksom meant that we would only walk downhill from it. Neither RK nor I disabused him of that notion to preemptively stave off any whining.

For the first couple of hours, the route was all downhill. Durga made friends with stray dogs, we came across extremely pretty wild flowers, there were many streams with clean mountain water that trickled down. The air was crisp and slightly cold. Occasionally we would see some villager, lounging by the side of the road. Some had pet dogs that Durga would befriend and they would ask us, "Where are you off to?"

A few minutes after we start from Yuksom, Durga breaks rule 2 (and she knows it, by the grin on her face). 

Trickles of water from the mountain are tapped into bamboo shoots and become a natural tap. Many travelers use this for bathing, washing and drinking

These streams are extremely refreshing, cold and clean- perfect to cool down after a few hours of walking

Our first and favorite hill (because we could walk entirely downhill) was closest to Yuksom and had many tiny waterfalls like this one. 

About two hours after leaving Yuksom, we reached Phamrong Falls. We were hungry by this time and fell eagerly onto the packs of aloo parathas and pickle we had picked up in Yuksom. The mountain water was also safe enough to drink:  these were mountains higher up, with very few human settlements nearby; these waterfalls were not easy for either humans or animals to climb and poop or pee into. Lower down, however, we would have to figure out an alternate water solution, maybe beg some from villagers.

The downhill bit soon gave rise to steep up-hills, which never seemed to climb down. Up and up and up we went; the sun beat down mercilessly and the beautiful forests near Yuksom gave way to many road and building construction projects and larger numbers of vehicles plying on the highway. We took multiple breaks by the side of the road and the initial enthusiasm was giving way to a sense of despair: "How many hours of this, Appa?" demanded the kids. "It's so hot and it's so hard to walk!"

But we persevered. Walking makes it easy to find objects to stare at or remember stories to entertain. The kids were distracted by the sight of small wildflowers clinging to the side of rocks or oddly shaped leaves or the call of birds we had never seen before, like the booted eagle. 

      

The booted eagle is apparently found through all of India, though this was the first time we have ever caught a glimpse of it. One can hear it before one sees it. And on that hot road with construction dust all around us, the cries of these birds came as a welcome surprise. The "ki-ki-ki-hyaah" shriek is loud, repetitive and attention-grabbing. Ani took the Collins' bird guide and figured out the identity based on its cry and flight pattern. 

From https://ebird.org/species/booeag1?siteLanguage=en_IN showing the reported distribution of the Booted Eagle

Walking in a single file up and down hills reminded Durga and me of the stories from the Ramayana. Lakshmana is supposed to have observed the backs of the heels of Sita as they walked (also in single file!) through the jungles of India. RK and I have had multiple interesting discussions on whether peninsular India was always truly thickly forested, as we imagine from Amar Chitra Katha books, or whether there were always dry scrub/deciduous forests instead. It's hard to imagine places like Hampi, for instance, being anything different, landscape-wise, than it is today: could there really have been thick forests in that rocky region? 

About 10km from Tashiding, we ran out of water. I heard voices on the hill above and walked up to find a hut. There was one (slightly drunk) guy with his sister. I asked them for hot water and he demanded Rs. 20/ I paid up, although his sister hissed next to him, "We never charge for water!" Nevertheless, he showed us the road to Tashiding (supposedly a shortcut, though it looked exactly the same as on Google maps!), talked volubly and expansively about the benefits of walking and said he himself would be taking a car that way!

 

Kids sitting by the side of the road waiting for me to get water from a nearby hut

Some where on the way, we met a party of brightly colored minivets- a flock of male and female scarlet minivets flew over our heads and roosted in a tree right ahead. Against a blue sky and a stark brown mountain, their bright red and yellow colors came as a breath-catching shock. We couldn't contain our excitement- what a marvelous treat!

From shutterstock. Male and female minivets. Just look at that red and yellow!

Soon afterwards, the road split into two: one uphill and one downhill. Needless to say, we all gravitated towards the one going downhill. Thankfully it also ended up being the road towards Tashiding town. Most surprisingly, the slightly drunk guy from before turned up in a car going in the opposite direction and confirmed that the downhill road indeed was going to Tashiding! How he turned up there at exactly that time, that too from the opposite direction, I have no idea. 

Durga entertains herself by finding various twigs that she claims are wands.

Tashiding Town

Down, down, down!

Forests on either side of the road to Tashiding.

About 6 -6.5 hours after we left, we grabbed a cab from Tashiding and reached Jorethang. It was a good walk, hardly as tiring as we feared. Quite productive too, since both RK and I handled work calls while on it. It taught the kids grit, it taught us that we can easily handle long distance walking and it gave an insight into how our ancestors might have walked from continent to continent, with bag, baggage and children.