Wednesday, August 9, 2023
The Migraine Ebbs and Flows
Sunday, July 16, 2023
Reflections on Birding
Have spent the week in Udaipur at Basic Health Services, going to their far-flung clinics, observing doctor-patient interactions, laboratory processes, tests done etc. I remember going off alone before on work-related trips but it's been long enough that it feels like a different lifetime (I think the last one was for a conference in 2008!)
This time, the man and the kids have been managing by themselves and I have had the opportunity to focus on work, and during my time away from the clinics, bird-watch. I am happy that I have been able to go on exploratory walks, learning about the city and its birds nearly every day. I am also glad to have been able to observe some critical growth as a birdwatcher in myself.
My attitude to birding has gone through phases, from frustrated novice to insecure and inexperienced to impatient and full of FOMO to my present state of acceptance. The greatest influence here has been the book "The Living Air" by Aasheesh Pittie. I have not read this book yet, but I read the foreword by Mark Cocker. There, Cocker describes Aasheesh Pittie's capacity to spend many hours in fascinated observation even of the most common birds (in this case, it was the dabchick, a small and rather drab, dull, brown bird in most local waterbodies that ducks in and out of water). For some reason, this felt like permission that I could spend just as much time observing the bulbuls, tailorbirds, sunbirds and mynahs of common city life as I could spend hunting for the yellow rumped honeyguide or the green magpie in the Himalayas in Sikkim. Once I embraced this notion, all birdwatching has become precious... the time spent gazing at a crow tearing apart some food is not wasted time, but a privileged glimpse into its life. Why spend time anxious and impatient to go to exotic places to hunt out exotic species or feel like you are falling behind in your growth, when you can make your learning about what you already know deeper and deeper? Why put a price on the value of a birdwatching experience?
With this rather mellow attitude, I have found intense joy in birding in Udaipur. I should point out that Udaipur in July, after the first wave of monsoon rains, is paradise. Its lush green Aravalli hills roll into the distance with all the professed beauty of the English or Scottish countryside, its lakes are brimming over with clean rainwater and small rivulets and streams run happily alongside country roads. It is still small by Indian city standards and birds that are now non-existent in larger Indian cities, such as sparrows and swallows, throng here in large numbers. There are farms and fields in the center of the city! There are old style constructions which allow small birds to nest within nooks and crannies. There is a prevalent culture of bird-feeding with clumps of nuts and grains or shallow pots of water left outside nearly every house.
I won't go into details about the birds I saw during this trip, but will direct you to the eBird checklists I created: here, here, here and here)
There have been two other major ways I have improved as a birdwatcher:
a) Looking at an unknown bird and considering the possibility that it is a female: We all gaze at the colors and antics of the male birds, which tend to be attractive and eye-catching. The females, of course, wear drabber colors and do not need to go through masculine antics. I saw a chocolate brown bird with bright eyes foraging on the soil of the patch of land behind the BHS clinic at Kojawada and almost fell off the terrace in my attempts to keep it within view. The feature that made me think of female birds was the fluffy patch of reddishness near the vent (which is a fancy way of saying butt), and which is a distinguishing feature of the male Indian robin.
Female Indian robin. Image from https://ebird.org/species/indrob1/IN-RJ-UD, Rahul Singh |
The bird above is smaller and plumper than the ones I saw, but you get the idea. With bated breath and slightly trembly fingers, I looked up pictures of the female robin and was thrilled to find it was the same. I have since seen the female multiple times and always feel a sense of kinship.
If you would have watched me, some years ago, go through hours and hours of all sorts of mental acrobats before figuring out a particular bird was a female cuckoo, you would get why the ability to reasonably quickly identify a female robin thrills me no end.
b) Breeding plumages of birds: Near where I stay is the Ayad river. It's a bit of work to birdwatch here because of the insane number of flies that buzz around you all the time, trying to sit on your eye and mouth and disgusting things like that. It's because of all the trash that is thrown on the banks, and the smell doesn't help. But in my new, all-accepting avatar (may it thrive and grow!), I (wo)manfully ignored all this and spent a good long time on either side of the bridge staring at the water. I came across one fellow with the most splendid beak- pale blue near the nose, then a splash of bright yellow and a black tip. The beak threw me off. If I hadn't observed the beak, I would have said, "Ah, Mr. Pond Heron, nice to see you here" but the beak suddenly made him look a far more sophisticated specimen than the homegrown little fellow who fishes in my backyard open drain in Bangalore. I was like, "Could you be a relative? Are you a subspecies found here and not in Bangalore?" But turns out, this is what pond herons in the breeding season look like- their beaks become brighter and have these starkly beautiful colors on them!
The pond heron doth clean up but good for his lady. Pics from Wiki Commons
I find bird watching astonishingly meditative. One has to be fully in the present. Any distractions, and you could lose sight of the bird forever. It is deeply restorative for the spirit- there is something very healing in being able to observe a bird crooning to itself or its young ones, or engaging in aerial displays just for the sheer fun of it (last evening I saw a flock of swallows zooming around at top speed swerving and veering, much like young boys on motorbikes doing wheelies), or raucously calling to its friends (yes, parakeets and babblers, I am looking at you, you noisy creatures) or being deeply paranoid about its young (red wattled lapwings, if you don't want people to find your eggs, don't lay them next to the road and then spend the next few hours shrieking at everyone). There is a sense of being part of something larger and realizing that deep, true and real worries and feelings are almost exactly the same regardless of whether you are a human or a bird.
Tuesday, June 13, 2023
What to do with my new-found freedom
I am and have been luckier than most people in the world. In addition to the key people in my life- my parents, spouse, kids and parents-in-law- there have been many family members, friends, colleagues, mentors and guides who have supported me at many stages of my life.
Now I am lucky again to have found myself in this position at this stage of my life: of starting afresh, but with an even stronger foundation than before.
What to do with all this liberty?
What is my vision board:
a) Money:
- I want to earn large amounts of money... something like 2-2.5L per month to begin with?
- I want to clear my parents' SBI stuff this year
b) Life:
- House: I want to renovate the house so it looks inviting, warm, loving and clean.
- My time in nature: I want to spend time bird watching, insect watching, growing plants, and watching them grow
- Minimalist lifestyle: I want to get rid of everything that doesn't bring joy into life as Mary Kondo instructs
- Fitness: I want to be fit, strong and flexible. I want to do Vipaasana and learn to quiet my mind
- Food: I want to eat healthy food and ensure my kids are eating healthy as well.
- Health: I want to ensure we are all protected and healthy. This means regular dental, ophthalmologic checkups, dermatology, seeking help for Ani's stammering, diet plan etc.
-Time with kids: Durga has specifically asked me to spend more time at home with her. So will plan to do so.
c) Learning:
- I want to delve into public health implementation and leadership. I want to lead programs and participate in programs which are community-based, which solve critical problems and work with wise and smart people who get things done.
- I want to learn a new language
- I want to go abroad to meet people and learn new things
- I want to write extensively and regularly
- Kids and husband: I want to travel with the fam, do stuff with the kids (in nature, in the house, with their school and many other avenues) and learn with and from them.
-BBMP stuff: let this journey be something I am grateful for and learn from for future projects, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may be. Let me emerge from this experience stronger, smarter and with a lot more understanding of legal, regulatory and financial processes, people and systems.
Friday, June 9, 2023
Hard Decisions
There come times when there is a clear need for change. This need sometimes creeps up on you slowly, sometimes hurtling like a train. Regardless, it is time for hard decisions, whether to continue on the current path or not.
MSCH had a situation like this in 2020, just before we pivoted to large scale Covid-19 RTPCR diagnostics. At that time, we had very little experience with processes or operations or management. But there were desire, ambition, and a set of mentors who were extremely stringent on quality and integrity and who were willing to give their time and guidance. To a large extent, MSCH was able to envision and enact this change because of its core team of Poorva Huilgol, Rekha Godbole and myself. We relied on each other heavily and managed fairly complex and fast-evolving projects successfully.
Now the Covid phase has been over for about 15 months. MSCH is facing another of those pivotal moments. This time, the baggage the company carries, in terms of infrastructure, people, the samples that have frozen and stored over many years, the various projects initiated but not completed, is much heavier. MSCH maintained a steady state for the past many months and the urge to continue the status quo is overwhelming.
But a steady state held for too long becomes decay. And there have been signs that MSCH cannot continue on its current path if it intends not only to survive but thrive in the future.
So it is with a mixture of trepidation and optimism that we have taken a few hard decisions: we will no longer keep our stand-alone labs. We will focus only on in-sourcing and installing labs within existing entities. We will let go of practically all our staff to bring down our outflows to less than 1L per month. This will provide us some breathing space to stabilize financially and regroup for the next phase.
There are a few things different between the last pivot to this one:
a) The push and the crisis were external last time. It's always harder to validate pivots and tough decisions when it isn't obvious to the outside world!
b) Then, we had to up-size. Here we are down-sizing, which is always perceived negatively.
Perhaps this pivot is more like our move from the US to India.
Personally, I find myself vacillating quite a bit about all this:
- There have been moments of great tension- such as when I told the lab about the closing down and laying off.
- Then, the rather longer-stretched tensions and stresses of trying to place all the folks in equally good or better positions
- Initially there was a huge spurt of joy when I felt I could step down from MSCH CEO-ship. It has been a long, memorable and proud journey but I rather like the idea of someone else taking the helm for a change.
- And now there is a bit more stress when I try to figure out how to ensure my own salary, while enabling my growth and giving this chance the importance and thought it deserves.
It has also helped me experience something that I have only ever heard about: the company should be the owner's asset, not the owner's master. It's slowly beginning to dawn on me that if one feels like they are working for themselves, then one can never feel like a slave. For some time now, I have felt like I have not been working for myself, that I need to make a certain amount of revenue just to maintain things. By letting go of many crucial assets of MSCH, importantly its people, I feel like I can, for the first time in a long time, take a deep breath and say. I don't have to fight every month to make rent, revenues, salaries, name, fame, legacy... nothing. It's a stunning feeling of liberation.